Roswell

Ep.

Title

Air/Pub'l

Grade

Author

3-18
Recap

Actually, it was pretty stupid

Graduation - Michael and Maria refer to this show as stupid, taking the final word from the critics who have been spray-painting that word on the side of Roswell's Paramount soundstage for three freaking years already.

05.13.2002
05.19.2002
D+

admin

3-17
Recap

Countdown to Ecstasy III: Rise of the Machines

Four Aliens And A Baby - One left, people. Episode, that is. And also viewer.

05.06.2002
05.08.2002
C

admin

3-16
Recap

Countdown to Ecstasy II: Nearly-Cancelled Boogaloo

Crash - Two left, people. Episodes, that is. And also viewers.

04.29.2002
05.05.2002
C

admin

3-15
Recap

Countdown to Ecstasy

Who Died And Made You King? - Three left, people. Episodes, that is. And also viewers.

04.22.2002
04.29.2002
D+

admin

3-14
Recap

Shut up...mon

Chant Down Babylon - Roswell takes almost forty-five full minutes to finally explain why it was digging up Bob Marley for the previous forty-five minutes.

02.25.2002
02.28.2002
D+

admin

3-13
Recap

Death Becomes Them

Panacea - All of them, really. The cast is prettied up considerably when one of its regulars and one of its extras die in an untimely fashion. Also, Maria shoots her music career pretty much right in the face, which also makes things prettier.

02.11.2002
02.17.2002
C-

admin

3-12
Recap

Cr-Cr-Crappy

Ch-Ch-Changes - Wait. What?

02.04.2002
02.09.2002

admin

3-11
Recap

I Wonder Tangentially About Jeannie

I Married An Alien - Because "Blast From The Ass" wouldn't have made it as the title of the index page blurb, now, would it?

01.28.2002
02.02.2002
C+

admin

3-10
Recap

Hang, over

A Tale Of Two Parties - A secret party doesn't stay secret enough.

12.31.2001
01.03.2002
D+

admin

3-9
Recap

There's Something About Sammy

Samuel Rising - What'd you say? Oh. Nothing. Never mind.

12.17.2001
12.21.2001
F

admin

3-8
Recap

Her boyfriend's back and he's gonna be in trouble

Behind The Music - Hey-blah, hey-blah, her boyfriend's back.

11.26.2001
11.30.2001
C+

admin

3-7
Recap

Too many khooks in the khitchen

Interruptus - Khivar goes by many names in this episode. Call him what you like, but don't call him late for a field trip back to the Planet Arium. Don't worry about him, though. He's brought his own ride with him and everything.

11.19.2001
11.20.2001
D+

admin

3-6
Recap

It was a teenage wedding and the old folks wished 'em well

To Have And To Hold - Actually, the old folks didn't wish them anything. Nobody wanted to go. Nobody cared. Don't we know just exactly how they felt?

11.12.2001
11.17.2001
C

admin

3-5
Recap

Out of control

Control (2) - Roswell continues its slide down the slippery slope of quality as Max's quest for his son sputters to a halt, Isabel barrels ahead with her wedding plans, and everyone else wonders what the hell those two wacky alien siblings are doing.

11.05.2001
11.12.2001

admin

3-4
Recap

L.A. Story

Secrets And Lies (1) - Aliens act badly (hell, everyone acts badly) as Roswell goes totally Hollywood and repels yet another first-time viewer.

10.29.2001
11.02.2001
D+

admin

3-3
Recap

Roswell 101

Significant Others - Pamie tries to figure out the entire history of this show from only one episode. It's that easy!

10.22.2001
10.27.2001
C+

admin

3-2
Recap

The best stuff is just so not in here

Michael, The Guys And The Great Snapple Caper - ANYBODY WANT A SNAPPLE? ANYBODY? ANYBODY? HUH? Mmmmmm...SNAPPLE!!!

10.16.2001
10.20.2001
D+

admin

3-1
Recap

Bring 'Em Young

Busted - If you thought New Mexico sucked, ladies and gentlemen...Utah.

10.08.2001
10.13.2001
D+

admin

2-21
Recap

Departure...as if

The Departure - Wait a sec. This is what a SHORTENED season feels like?

05.20.2001
05.25.2001
C

admin

2-20
Recap

Off. The fricking. Map.

Off The Menu - These people need to DIE. The preternatural level of patience djb has displayed in dealing with this passel of halfwits and nimrods and morons for two seasons qualifies him for sainthood. Or at the very least beatification. I don't care if he's Jewish. And alive. I'm forwarding the paperwork to the Vatican now.

05.13.2001
05.20.2001
F

admin

2-19
Recap

Baby, It's Poo

Baby, It's You - When Max goes sad and Tess goes pregnant, even a harmless round of hijinks with Kyle and Isabel can't help but sink helplessly underfoot. And stick to the floor. And dreamwalk porn. And...oh, never mind.

05.06.2001
05.11.2001
C+

admin

2-18
Recap

The real heroes are the dorks

It's Too Late And It's Too Bad - Sure, WB-sanctioned "pretty girl" Liz Parker might be putting in the hours searching for Alex's alien killers, but the good people of AP Computers and the yearbook staff are the ones who keep the action moving. I guess you have lots of time to consider conspiracy theories and binary equations when you're waiting to be picked for dodge ball, and you're picked last. Dorks. God bless their Time Bandits-lovin' ways.

04.29.2001
05.02.2001
C+

admin

2-17
Recap

For Sale, One Farm

Cry Your Name - Oops. Someone just bought it. Sorry. Later, L'il Hanks.

04.22.2001
04.26.2001
D+

admin

2-16
Recap

Ros-what?

Heart Of Mine - It's back and it's bad. And I'm scared, too.

04.15.2001
04.16.2001
D+

admin

2-15
Extra

Party over, whoops, out of time

Go - So it goes without saying they're going to party like it's 1999. In Go. Starring some guy who's been on Roswell, like, four times. Was this recap just an excuse for me to watch Scott Wolf in his underwear? Have you people been reading my diary again?

04.08.1999
04.08.2001
A

admin

2-15
Recap

The Real World, Las Vegas

Viva Las Vegas - This is the true story of eight high school students, picked to live in a Honeymoon Suite and sing, fight, and gamble in a fake casino while having their lives taped -- to find out what happens when people stop being polite and start being…zzzzz.

02.25.2001
02.27.2001
C

admin

2-14
Recap

Crystal gale

How The Other Half Lives (2) - The Gandarium crystals rear their ugly, organic bad sides in trapping Kyle and Alex underground, making Isabel take rides from strangers, and causing Mel Glibson to lose his mind and dress up like a queen.

02.18.2001
02.22.2001
C

admin

2-14
Extra

Oh, Shiri

Well They Were Just Seventeen - You should've been gone/Knowing how I made you feel/And I should've been gone/After all your words of steel/Oh I must've been a dreamer/And I must've been someone else/And we should've been over. Oh, Shiri. Heh. "Dreamer." That's actually in the song.

02.13.2001
02.13.2001
D+

admin

2-13
Recap

Almost Shameless

Disturbing Behavior (1) - But, see, almost good, too. Some turgid plot development inside the UFO Center is nearly offset by some pretty funny Maria/Michael bantering, and a very special guest director appearance by Cameron Crowe makes us all glad Oscar season is here again. It's good and bad. Yin and yang. It's confusing to watch and probably more confusing to read about. Hey. You guys? Good luck with that.

02.04.2001
02.06.2001
C+

admin

2-12
Recap

Box Step

We Are Family - Turns out, there's a girl in a box. As Amy DeLucawitz might observe, "So, nu?" Too bad she's got Porno's tongue down her throat, so she can't speak at all. Too damn bad for all of us in the world.

01.28.2001
01.30.2001
C-

admin

2-11
Recap

Are you there, God? It's me, Djb.

To Serve And Protect - The WB finally lets its Roswell "writers" out of their cages long enough to find Mighty Big TV, and they waste no time in creating the character of a pudgy, balding loser who everybody hates. And naming him after this show's recapper. Of course I'm narcissistic enough to actually believe that this has everything to do with me. Why do you ask? Stop talking so much. The voices! In my head! So loud!

01.21.2001
01.23.2001
C

admin

2-10
Recap

Fa la la la...not

A Roswell Christmas Carol - When someone discovers a holiday that hasn't been so madly commercialized that it requires a product-placed soundtrack during scenes about terminally ill children, please give me a call. If you're looking for me, I'll be wrapped up tight in a straitjacket, rocking back and forth in a padded room, dreaming about the world's ambivalence toward Arbor Day.

12.17.2000
12.19.2000
D+

admin

2-9
Recap

I wanna wake up in the city that never sleepzzzzzzzzzzz

Max In The City (2) - Look, Katims. We know you film the show in L.A. But no one on staff has even been to New York City? How about consulting a map? An atlas? A Ken Burns documentary? A...oh, just forget it.

11.26.2000
11.28.2000

admin

2-8
Recap

And Starring Jo Polniaczek As The Diction Coach!

Meet The Dupes (1) - Yo.

11.19.2000
11.21.2000

admin

2-7
Recap

Should I Stay Or Should I...JUST GO

Wipeout! - Gage and his unfortunately-coifed mom lead the Flaky Brigade into Roswell to show the aliens who's in charge, but all of the lead humans have found clever and convenient ways to just not disappear. No one else. Just the leads. Just like magic.

11.12.2000
11.13.2000
D

admin

2-7
Recap

Shites Of Passage

Rites Of Passage - For you, we did this recap of Rites Of Passage. FOR YOU. And what did we get? Nothing. No sex of any kind. Not even kissing. Jason Behr had a hoop earring and a desperate need for hair clippers in his neck region. And really, really bad dialogue. And Dean Stockwell for a father. But what did we receive for our troubles? Fast-forward-button tunnel syndrome.

11.10.2000
11.10.2000
F

admin

2-6
Recap

Children Of The Corny

Harvest - Man, if you thought Roswell, New Mexico was the middle of freakin' nowhere, welcome to Copper Summit, Arizona. Actually, I wish we could all just have stayed home. 'Cause this episode sucked. But at least, for the first time in three weeks, it sucked in this decade. So, y'know, that's new.

11.05.2000
11.06.2000
D

admin

2-5
Recap

Behind The Music: Max Evans And The Mariachis

The End Of The World - He was a brilliant singer and a devastating lover, a pining Spanish recording artist with a voice like honey and ears bigger and brighter than an Acapulco sunset. But it was on that fateful night at the Granolith in 2014 that Max Evans peeked into his past, and realized where it had all gone wrong.

10.29.2000
10.31.2000

admin

2-5
Extra

Teen Sees It In The Stars

Teen Sees It In The Stars - Jason is clad in black leather everything and a question mark at the end of the words "hair and makeup," Brendan is sporting a white long-sleeved t-shirt, black leather pants, a belt buckle so big and silver and gaudy that the Parton family is still sitting around Memphis wondering what ever became of their beloved family crest, and Katherine separates them, her blonde tresses (I beg to differ…check the roots) falling over her blue zip-up jacket and her even bluer skintight pants.

10.23.2000
10.23.2000
D+

admin

2-4
Recap

Tuesdays With Snore-y

Summer Of '47 - An astonishing series of contrivances leads Michael to a curmudgeonly old Army feller, who spins a yarn of times past. In flashback, he recounts the story of the crash over Roswell in 1947 and the government's attempt to cover it up. Maria sports a southern accent. If by "southern," you mean "learning disabled."

10.22.2000
10.23.2000
D

admin

2-3
Recap

Take Me To Your Bleeder

Surprise - Isabel embarks on an extended vision quest during her birthday party, in which she experiences flashes of a dying, bloodied Tess dancing in her head. The witch hunt is on to figure out what kind of an ogre would be responsible for such an action, but suspects keep getting knocked down on the basis that no one hates her quite enough to pull the trigger. Hey, don't look at me, man. I was home watching baseball.

10.15.2000
10.15.2000
D

admin

2-2
Recap

Go, Greased Lightning

Ask Not - The pecs continue to teach us lessons of their manifold strength.

10.08.2000
10.08.2000
D

admin

2-1
Recap

The Cadmium-X Files

Skin And Bones - Cruel reality and even crueler haircuts abound as the second-season premiere continues its mission to provide humdrum consistency in an otherwise inconsistent world. A mysterious substance of indeterminate origin sets off the paranoia alarm after what we're repeatedly told was a summer of peace. The mysterious orbs are gone, but they are replaced with a new set of ambiguous clues sure to confuse and confound in their comparable levels of pointlessness. Everyone mopes. Does this sound at all familiar?

10.01.2000
10.01.2000
D

admin

1-23
Recap

Southwest Side Story

Spaced Out! - From the people who brought you Forget Your Troubles, Come on Get Real, The Practice on Ice, and numerous other hit Broadway musicals based on popular MBTV shows too numerous and downright fabulous to mention here, comes the musical sensation Spaced Out!, a song-and-dance spectacular based on the WB's rip-roaring, follies-worthy dance fest called Roswell.

06.20.2000
06.20.2000

admin

1-22
Recap

I Want It Crap Way

Destiny (2) - Ain't nothin' but a heartache. Ain't nothin' but a mistake. A season finale so madcap it inspired Gratuitous Cameo Weekly to rave, "Rock your body right!"

05.14.2000
05.14.2000

admin

1-21
Recap

Cream-Filled Ding-Dong

The White Room (1) - Classic-rock redux ahoy! A "Born Under A Bad Sign" Max Evans isn't "Sitting On Top Of The World" when he's taken into Pierce's custody and the "Sunshine of [His] Love" squeals it all to John Q. Law. Meanwhile, Steely Dan sits at home, seething with rage.

05.07.2000
05.07.2000

admin

1-20
Recap

Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Smirkin'

Max To The Max - The plot goes in circles, but at least it goes somewhere, as Nasedo shows his stripes as Max's eeeeevil doppelganger. All hail the Lizbot 5000!

04.30.2000
04.30.2000
D

admin

1-19
Recap

Like A Bad Dream

Four Square - It is possible that Isabel is pregnant. It is possible that Tesla is an alien. It is possible that Evil Ed is still pretty darn evil. But no one seems to be taking the time to figure it all out, as the gang spends even more time sleeping through this episode than I do.

04.23.2000
04.23.2000

admin

1-18
Recap

Govern Mental

Tess, Lies And Videotape - Max gets around with the new girl while Liz nearly gets screwed by the new girl's father. FBI technology attempts to make something else tiny besides viewer interest in the show. Evil rears its ugly head and invites us to stay for dinner.

04.16.2000
04.16.2000

admin

1-17
Recap

Red, Red Whine

Crazy - All the moody backlighting in the desert southwest can't disguise the same ol', same ol' nature of an episode that puts the "tool" back in "failed artistic retooling" and the "over" back in "futile series overhaul."

04.09.2000
04.09.2000
D

admin

1-16
Recap

This week on Roswell: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwww

Sexual Healing - Behr in mind...that the pecs toll next for thee.

02.29.2000
02.29.2000
D

admin

1-15
Recap

Tony Clifton's Revenge

Independence Day - Ow! Big fluffy cotton clothes! I can practically feel the low thread count of the Wal-Mart brand name chafing against my own sensitive skin!

02.15.2000
02.15.2000
F

admin

1-14
Recap

Keeping My Whitss About Me

Blind Date - Aliens don’t exist. On this show. Anymore.

02.08.2000
02.08.2000
F

admin

1-13
Recap

I Don't Give A Shatner

The Convention - An ensemble cast subplot bonanza can hardly dampen the spirits of the townspeople as a UFO Convention brings the celebrity likes of Billy Bob Thorton and some other guy.

02.01.2000
02.01.2000
D

admin

1-12
Recap

Earnest Goes to Campy

Into The Woods - Isabel pretends to date Alex and Alex pretends not to care when he finds out they’re not dating. Max pretends to radically alter his character and actually do something actively constructive, until confronted by Valenti, who’s pretending to care about Kyle. Also, Liz pretends to get a cold and Maria pretends to get Soleil Moon-Frye’s old figure after she pretends to get a navel ring. A lot of other pretend things happen, too. But when you really stop and think about it, pretend action is only pretend better than no action at all.

01.25.2000
01.25.2000
D

admin

1-11
Recap

Singed Bangs

Toy House - Apparently, someone down at Continuity Headquarters chose to neglect the unwritten truism that we, the audience, at least have to meet a so-called "major" character before investing emotionally when suddenly faced with the prospect of watching said character, oh, I don’t know, spontaneously burst into flames.

01.18.2000
01.18.2000

admin

1-10
Recap

What A Tangled Web We...Oh, Forget It

The Balance - You take the good. You take the bad. You take them both. You subtract the good. And there you have. This episode.

12.14.1999
12.14.1999

admin

1-9
Recap

Too Hot To Handle, Too Cold To Care

Heat Wave - Michael gets naughty, Maria gets naughty, Kyle gets naughty, and Liz gets -- that’s right, you guessed it -- as boring and drippy as a rainy church picnic.

11.30.1999
11.30.1999
F

admin

1-8
Recap

A My Name Is Alex

Blood Brother - Too much goddamn turkey, barely diverted battles with a lovingly overprotective family, and a wish that walking past the old haunts of the town I grew up in didn’t scare up those nagging whispers of, "You peaked in high school. You peaked in high school." Or was that just my Thanksgiving break? Apologies, kids -- this whole four-day weekend thing has me completely off my game.

11.23.1999
11.23.1999

admin

1-7
Recap

And Don't You Come Back No More

River Dog (2) - They said it would continue. It continued.

11.16.1999
11.16.1999

admin

1-6
Recap

Hit The Road, Max

285 South (1) - School’s out for sweeps as the kids hit the road, leaving chaos in their wake and me repeatedly muttering, "Well, I’ll be..."

11.09.1999
11.09.1999

admin

1-5
Recap

Oh, Liz, What Were You Thinkink?

Missing - Kyle gets a little bitter, Michael gets a little crazy, and Liz and her best friend "Sulky Voice-over Narration" decide it’s time to take a little break.

11.02.1999
11.02.1999
D

admin

1-4
Recap

Leaving Snoremal

Leaving Normal - Grandma bites the big one, Isabel takes orders, and teen boy band sensation ‘N Sync guest stars as a band of marauding street thugs with malice in their hearts.

10.26.1999
10.26.1999

admin

1-3
Recap

Parental Guidance Suggested

Monsters - Max steps up, Valenti dresses down, Kyle disappears, and Maria has a really vivid dream about a hot chick who wants to be a supermodel. Hmmmm.

10.19.1999
10.19.1999
D

admin

1-2
Recap

Czech, Please

The Morning After - A shady geometry teacher, a renegade alien with nothing to lose, and a lesson that when someone is from "the agency," it automatically means the FBI. And if you didn’t know that, well, then... you’re me.

10.12.1999
10.12.1999
D

admin

1-1
Recap

Pilot

Pilot - "September 23rd. Journal Entry One. I'm Liz Parker and five days ago I died."

10.05.1999
10.05.1999
D

admin

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