Desperate Housewives

Ep.

Title

Air/Pub'l

Grade

Author

7-23
Weecap

Barons Of Suburbia

Come On Over For Dinner - A progressive dinner results in divorce, murder and mangled Chet Baker tunes.

05.15.2011
05.20.2011
A+

admin

7-22
Weecap

A Visit From The Goon Hand

And Lots Of Security… - Susan returns to the Lane, and immediately starts with her shit.

05.15.2011
05.20.2011
A+

admin

7-24
Weecap

Poisoning the Unwell

Then I Really Got Scared - Susan murders the entire PTA; the Scavo children carry the burden of their horrible parents' horrible mental problems.

05.08.2011
05.10.2011
A+

admin

7-20
Recap

We Swallow Poison Every Sunday

I’ll Swallow Poison On Sunday - Gabi & Bree break up as Lynette forces Tom & Renee together.

05.01.2011
05.03.2011
A+

admin

7-19
Recap

The Woman That Ordered In Chinese For Christmas

The Lies Ill-Conceived - Gabrielle cheats on Carlos with Bree; Susan cheats on Mike with Paul.

04.24.2011
04.27.2011
A+

admin

7-19
Recap

Mourning Wood

Moments In The Woods - Felicia, Paul and Carlos reacquaint themselves with revenge, while Susan reacquaints herself with behaving horribly.

04.17.2011
04.20.2011
A+

admin

7-17
Weecap

The Worms Play Pinochle

Everything’s Different, Nothing’s Changed - The show is good, Susan is cool, Paul is redeemed, and other weird stuff.

04.03.2011
04.05.2011
A+

admin

7-16
Weecap

Help Me Help You Help Me

Searching - The spirit of charity is horribly mutated by exposure to Wisteria Lane.

03.06.2011
03.08.2011
A+

admin

7-15
Weecap

One Hundred Years Of Solipsism

Farewell Letter - Bree and Gabi right some wrongs, while Lynette finally figures out she's a terrible parent.

02.21.2011
02.22.2011
A+

admin

7-14
Weecap

Mens InZana In Corpore Sano

Flashback - Susan alienates another kidney, Bree finally comes clean about Keith's son, and Gabrielle goes into therapy.

02.13.2011
02.15.2011
A+

admin

7-13
Weecap

Whatever Let Me Go

I’m Still Here - Susan harasses the terminally ill into suicide, and everybody has secret black babies.

01.16.2011
01.18.2011
A+

admin

7-12
Weecap

Skeletor Rigby

Where Do I Belong? - The Scavo murder-suicide arrives twenty years too late, Gaby takes up ventriloquism, Bree gets roses from the Pope and Zach's packing serious heat.

01.09.2011
01.11.2011
A+

admin

7-11
Weecap

Putting The "Ass"es in "Assassins"

Assassins - Paul, Susan and Renee all nearly escape death; many long-lost husbands return; Gabrielle loses her marbles in a doll shop and Beth's mother is revealed.

01.02.2011
01.04.2011
A+

admin

7-10
Weecap

Grace Is Gone & The Bears Are Coming

Down The Block There’s A Riot - Lynette explores the violent underbelly of Fairview's Homeowner Associations, Bree starts a riot, and Susan and Gabrielle are trampled to death.

12.12.2010
12.14.2010
A+

admin

7-9
Weecap

The Crunk, The Junk & The May-December Funk

Pleasant Little Kingdom - Paul tears the souls of Wisteria Lane apart with his pearly white teeth, Gabrielle's kidnapping spree rages out of control, Susan beds down with a fire-breathing she-dragon and Lynette sacrifices her husband's genitals to the Witch God.

12.05.2010
12.07.2010
A+

admin

7-8
Weecap

Almost Everybody's All-American

Sorry Grateful - Nobody actually gets to have Thanksgiving, due to incompetently messing things up for everybody else.

11.14.2010
11.16.2010
A+

admin

7-7
Weecap

Flipper: Faster Than Lightning & Smoother Than Silk

A Humiliating Business - Menopause and deviancy spread through Fairview like wildfire, igniting a sexual conflagration of truly epic proportions.

11.07.2010
11.09.2010
A+

admin

7-6
Weecap

Besmirched, Bollocksed & Befuddled

Excited & Scared - Paul gets his kiss from the coy Mrs. Young, Mother Scavo joins a circus troupe, and Susan screws up everything for everybody even more than usual.

10.31.2010
11.02.2010
A+

admin

7-5
Weecap

Love Hurts

Let Me Entertain You - Renee deals with a cheating ex, perverts lust after Susan online, Lynette hurts her mother-in-law's feelings, and Bree has so much sex with her new beau that she's in physical pain.

10.24.2010
10.26.2010
A

admin

7-4
Weecap

Our Little Secret

The Thing That Counts Is What’s Inside - Gaby tells her new daughter to keep a secret. Susan's keeping them from her husband. And Paul and Beth's secrets are a mystery even to us.

10.17.2010
10.20.2010
B-

admin

7-3
Weecap

High on Life

Truly Content - Tom's supposedly depressed, so why is he the only happy person on this show?

10.10.2010
10.12.2010
B+

admin

7-2
Weecap

Pain and Suffering

You Must Meet My Wife - Everyone's dealing with major drama this week: Bree hits two people with her car, Gaby finds out Juanita's not her daughter, Tom may have cheated on Lynette and -- worst of all -- Susan has to wear pajamas in front of a camera for money. Susan's life is so hard.

10.03.2010
10.05.2010
B-

admin

7-1
Weecap

You'll Never Guess Who's Back!

Remember Paul? - Actually, if you watched last season's finale, you already know Paul's back. But Vanessa Williams also joins the cast as Lynette's college friend, and Brian Austin Green and Lainie Kazan each pays a visit.

09.26.2010
09.28.2010
A-

admin

6-23
Weecap

The End is Just the Beginning

I Guess This is Goodbye - Just like so many other seasons of this show, they wrap up all the loose ends and move on the next mysteries: Whose son is MJ really, and why is Paul Young back on the Lane?

05.16.2010
05.18.2010
A+

admin

6-22
Weecap

Making Threats

The Ballad of Booth - With Patrick threatening Angie, Susan threatening all of Mike's clients, and Bree and Sam threatening each other, you wouldn't think Lynette would be the one in the most threatening situation of all. But, sadly, she is.

05.09.2010
05.11.2010
A+

admin

6-21
Weecap

A Strange Man

A Little Night Music - The moral of this episode is that men are not to be trusted, as Mike and Carlos lie to Susan and Gaby about money, Bree finds out Sam's mom's alive, Patrick comes back to torment (and possibly kill) Angie, and Eddie lets loose his rage to defend Lynette's honor.

05.02.2010
05.05.2010
B

admin

6-20
Weecap

It's All Their Fault

Epiphany - Turns out Eddie had a drunken, abusive mother, and everyone on Fairview played a part in making him a killer.

04.25.2010
04.28.2010
A

admin

6-19
Weecap

Him? Hmm.

We All Deserve to Die - We finally find out who attacked Julie and strangled numerous other girls, but it's no one we really cared about, anyway. We also get closer to answers about Patrick and Sam and the respective families they're out to destroy.

04.18.2010
04.20.2010
B-

admin

6-18
Weecap

Sins of The Mothers

My Two Young Men - Susan and Gabby find the true meaning of life, which happens to be the success of their respective children in candy-selling contests. You've come a long way, Baby.

03.21.2010
03.23.2010
C

admin

6-17
Weecap

Put Your Behind in the Past

Chromolume No. 7 - The past's coming back to bite everyone this week, when Gaby learns Heidi Klum and Paulina Porizkova aren't so forgiving, Lynette doesn't want to give up her grandma's ring for Preston's bimbo fiancee, Bree meets Rex's son she never knew existed, and Angie's location is revealed to the evil and scary Patrick Logan.

03.14.2010
03.16.2010
B+

admin

6-16
Weecap

The Art of Seduction

The Chase - Gaby finds herself lured into Bob and Lee's carefree lifestyle, the Bolens are drawn back to New York, and Katherine winds up in bed with Robin the Stripper.

02.28.2010
03.02.2010
B+

admin

6-15
Weecap

Isn't She...?

Lovely - Robin the stripper moves into Wisteria Lane and makes everyone's lives better somehow.

02.21.2010
02.25.2010
B+

admin

6-14
Weecap

Adopt-A-Stripper

The Glamorous Life - Bree wants to love Orson again, Gaby has a new method of birth control for Ana, Lynette and Tom teach their therapist a lesson, Susan asks a stripper to move in, and Angie really, really wants you to recycle.

01.31.2010
02.03.2010
B-

admin

6-13
Weecap

Shrinkage

How About a Friendly Shrink? - Everyone's having relationship drama this week, but at least most of them are in therapy (note to Bree and Orson: Seek help.)

01.17.2010
01.20.2010
B-

admin

6-12
Weecap

Stripped Down

You Gotta Get a Gimmick - Bree holds a paralyzed Orson hostage, Gaby gets back to her Mexican roots, Tom fills in for Lynette at work and Susan strips for Mike (and everyone else at Double D's).

01.10.2010
01.12.2010
B

admin

6-11
Weecap

What If We Had An Episode And Nothing Happened?

If… - It's a whole episode of imaginary, what-might-have-been sequences this week, but at least we find out who died in that plane crash.

01.03.2010
01.06.2010
D

admin

6-10
Weecap

Out With A Bang

Boom Crunch - ...Or a crash. As in a plane crash. It's a boring episode and very little happens until the end, when a plane crashes into the Wisteria Christmas party, seemingly killing at least two residents of the Lane.

12.06.2009
12.08.2009
C

admin

6-9
Weecap

Down and Dirty

Would I Think of Suicide? - Everyone shows their dark side this week: Carlos fires Lynette, Tom and Lynette sue Gaby and Carlos, Bree puts Orson and another guy at risk for a return to prison, Katherine tells MJ his mom's a bad person and then seems to frame Mike, Mike threatens Katherine, Julie tells Danny she doesn't like him, and he tries to kill himself.

11.29.2009
12.01.2009
A-

admin

6-8
Weecap

Double Lives

The Coffee Cup - Nick and Angie are still maintaining fake identities, Bree's still sneaking around with Karl, and Lynette's still hiding her pregnancy (by dressing like a man) from Carlos and Gaby.

11.15.2009
11.17.2009
B+

admin

6-7
Weecap

Arrested Development

Careful the Things You Say - Someone new (Lynette) finally finds out about Julie and Nick, and reports it to the police, but Angie covers for him (even while working hard at her new job for Bree). And, in the high point of the season so far, Susan ends up behind bars.

11.08.2009
11.11.2009
B-

admin

6-6
Weecap

Signs, Signs...

Don’t Walk on the Grass - Everywhere there's signs. Signs that Bree's falling in love with Karl. Signs that Katherine's still crazy. And signs that Angie has even more to hide. Though there's no sign yet what it is.

11.01.2009
11.03.2009
B-

admin

6-5
Weecap

Deathmatch: Monkey vs. Clown

Everybody Ought to Have a Maid - A monkey and a clown have it out this episode, and one of them ends up injured. I'm talking about Susan and Katherine, of course, although an actual monkey takes down a clown at Juanita's birthday party.

10.25.2009
10.27.2009
A-

admin

6-4
Weecap

A Family Affair

The God-Why-Don’t-You-Love-Me Blues - The Bolens grow more mysterious by the minute, as we find out Angie's scar is from an explosion, that Danny is sort of in love with his mom, and that Nick is Julie's secret boyfriend.

10.18.2009
10.19.2009
A-

admin

6-3
Weecap

Guilty Until Proven Innocent

Never Judge A Lady By Her Lover - Susan goes insane when Danny's released by the cops and wreaks her own vengeance all over the neighborhood. Then -- oops! -- there's concrete proof that he didn't attack Julie. Will an apology be enough after the hate calls, death threats, and vandalism? Bree's still sleeping with Karl, Lynette's still pregnant, and Gaby's still hung up on Gardener John.

10.11.2009
10.13.2009
B

admin

6-2
Weecap

In the Dark

Being Alive - Julie spends the episode in a coma and misses everything except ten seconds of Bree and Karl kissing. Poor thing probably preferred the coma. Meanwhile, there are no advancements in solving our new mystery.

10.04.2009
10.06.2009
B

admin

4-4
Recap

If There's Anything I Can't Stand

If There’s Anything I Can’t Stand - Susan's an idiot, Lynette flips her wig, Gabby nearly gets busted, Bree does get busted, and it's only a matter of time for Katherine.

10.20.2007
10.22.2007
C+

admin

4-3
Recap

The Game

The Game - Everyone's playing games, but it turns out that Katherine is way out of their league.

10.13.2007
10.15.2007
B-

admin

4-2
Recap

Smiles Of A Summer Night

Smiles Of A Summer Night - Edie blackmails Carlos into agreeing to marry her, and then he returns the favor by hiring someone to kill her; Katherine has a secret recipe for lemon meringue pie; Lynette wears a lot of cancer scarves; Gabby gets a little weepy; and Susan's breasts are somewhat bigger in The Most Boring Episode That Ever Was.

10.06.2007
10.08.2007
D+

admin

4-1
Recap

Now You Know

Now You Know - Some people look pregnant but really aren't, some people really are pregnant but think they aren't, and some people get dumped for pretending they're trying to get pregnant and then they stage a suicide attempt and are supposed to be dead but are actually totally fine.

09.29.2007
10.01.2007
B-

admin

3-23
Recap

Suicide Is Painless

Getting Married Today - Lynette's estranged mother comes to town to help the family deal with Lynette's cancer treatments; Bree is faking a pregnancy to create a cover story for Danielle, who's really and truly having a baby; Susan and Mike get married in an insanely cute private ceremony; Gabby and the Mayor (whose dad is B.J. Hunnicutt from M*A*S*H!) get married in a hugely public wedding and then Gabby immediately has cause to regret the whole thing and then races off to French Carlos; and Edie hangs herself. Apparently?

05.19.2007
05.25.2007
B

admin

3-22
Recap

From Zero to Proposal

What Would We Do Without You? - Susan and Mike rush into an engagement; that gigantic pill Edie talks Carlos into trying to make a platonic baby with her but secretly keeps taking birth control; Gabby steals Susan's wedding flowers, band, caterer, and date; and Lynette may have cancer.

05.12.2007
05.18.2007
B+

admin

3-21
Recap

Bleed The Meter

Into The Woods - Gabby gets into a shoving match with a meter man and her wrist is bruised, prompting Mayor McBusive to send thugs to teach the meter man a lesson, with their fists; Edie threatens to sue Travers' dad for joint custody but Carlos talks her out of it; Tom confronts Tootie about his sexual tension with Lynette, Tootie confronts Lynette about the same, and Lynette fires Tootie; Susan gets lost in the forest, and then Mike finds her, with his lips.

05.05.2007
05.11.2007
B-

admin

3-20
Recap

Start Spreading The News

Gossip - Kayla rats on that Tootie-flirting Lynette to Tom; Mrs. McC comes clean about husband on ice (she did it for the pension check); Gabby is crabby to hear that Edie's with Carlos; Susan acts out her man-hate on some guy in a parking lot, goes into anger management therapy, and realizes she wants to be with Ian; Ian recognizes that Susan will never be over Mike and dumps her; Mike, saddened by Susan choosing Ian, leaves town for parts unknown.

04.28.2007
05.04.2007
B+

admin

3-19
Recap

Ooh-Ooh, That Smell

God, That’s Good - Mrs. McC's frozen husband starts to ripen when Fairview's power goes out; Gabby announces that she's marrying Maybe Mayor to distract the press from the scandalous photos of them doing it in an elevator; Edie and Carlos have sex in for-sale houses all around town; Susan discovers that she was used as a bet in Mike and Ian's poker game and gives them both the ax; Lynette's flirtation with chef Tootie heats up.

04.21.2007
04.27.2007
B-

admin

3-18
Recap

Deep, Deep Freeze

Liaisons - Gabby and her Salted Politico have limo sex; Edie and Carlos have bad sex, and more bad sex, and then great sex; Lynette hires a hot former coke-tooter to manage the Scavoria; Mike saves Ian and Susan from drowning in a two-foot-deep pond, Susan gives Mike a thank-you juicer, Mike kisses Susan, and Susan doesn't at all try to stop him; and Mrs. McCluskey has a husbandsicle hidden in her freezer.

04.14.2007
04.20.2007
B+

admin

3-17
Recap

It's Getting Hot In Herre

Dress Big - Edie takes off all her clothes for Carlos, Gabby steals a dress from her new beau's ex, Susan blackmails Ian's cross-dressing dad to avoid signing a pre-nup, Lynette loses her mind over a t-shirt, and Tom slips a disc.

04.07.2007
04.13.2007
C+

admin

3-16
Recap

My Husband, The Pig

My Husband, The Pig - A mayoral candidate literally rear-ends Gabby, and then makes a play for the metaphoric version; Susan discovers the engagement ring Mike once planned to give to her; Edie is a terrible mother; Danielle is pregnant; Tom and Lynette are still married, after all these (nine) years; and Rex plays narrator!

03.03.2007
03.09.2007
B-

admin

3-15
Recap

The Little Things You Do Together (2)

The Little Things You Do Together (2) - Orson falls from the roof of the hospital and lives; Alma falls from the roof of her house and dies; Gloria drugs Bree and tries to kill her, but Orson swoops in and saves her, and Gloria has herself a stroke; Lynette screws up an order of chairs; Susan and Ian get engaged; and Gabby realizes that she didn't actually sleep with Zana.

02.17.2007
02.22.2007
B+

admin

3-14
Recap

I Remember That (1)

I Remember That (1) - Mike starts to remember things about Monique's death, Susan finally gets a marriage proposal from Ian, and Bree takes a tumble after she finds out too much information about Orson, his mother, and his ex-wife.

02.10.2007
02.15.2007
B-

admin

3-13
Recap

Come Play Wiz Me

Come Play Wiz Me - Lynette quits her job to work at the Scavoria; Susan hates the lawyer Ian hired so she makes Gabby go on a date with Zana so he'll foot the bill for new legal representation for Mike; Alma drugs and rapes Orson; Ian's coma wife dies.

01.20.2007
01.26.2007
C+

admin

3-12
Recap

Not While I'm Around

Not While I’m Around - Julie talks Edie into helping her get birth-control pills; Susan discovers the pills and confronts Edie, only to find Austin doing it with Danielle Van de Tramp right there on Edie's couch; Bree discovers a bag full of bloody teeth in Alma's hidey-hole; Lynette and her breasts help Tom to get his liquor license; CreePaul pay some prison thugs to beat up Mike; and Gabby discovers that her secret admirer is Zana.

01.13.2007
01.14.2007
C+

admin

3-11
Recap

No Fits, No Fights, No Feuds

No Fits, No Fights, No Feuds - Susan snitches on Orson; Kayla fills Lynette's doll with chili; Julie loses her maidenhood; Gabby goes crazy trying to track down the source of some anonymous flowers and gets dumped; Bree hosts a dinner party; and Alma buys a house on Wisteria Lane and also shoots some mysterious fluid directly into her thigh with a needle.

01.06.2007
01.12.2007
B

admin

3-10
Recap

The Miracle Song

The Miracle Song - Mike gets arrested for Monique's murder and Edie dumps him; Bree stops suspecting Orson and takes him back; Gabby manipulates a motherless child just to land herself a date with the kid's hot dad; Ian ponies up for Mike's legal defense if and only if Susan agrees to never see Mike again; and Alma's totally alive!

11.25.2006
12.01.2006
B+

admin

3-9
Recap

Beautiful Girls

Beautiful Girls - Susan flashes Ian's butler and gets her own (half) drawer. The police catch Mike trying to bury his incriminating tool box. Gabby teaches ugly little ducklings how to walk like swans. Lynette cries "Pedophile." And Orson's drunk mother announces that Orson was cheating on his wife Alma with now-dead Monique, and Bree finally, finally gives Orson the boot.

11.18.2006
11.24.2006
B-

admin

3-8
Recap

Children And Art

Children And Art - Gabby tries to go back into modeling but is too old. Susan calls in Karl to put the kibosh on Julie's budding romance with Austin, but Karl is far more interested in quashing Susan's thing with Ian. Bree tries to force a reconciliation between Orson and his probably insane and definitely manipulative mother. And Lynette discovers suspiciously pedophilic toys and photos at neighbor Art's house.

11.11.2006
11.17.2006
B-

admin

3-7
Recap

Bang

Bang - Bree tells Jackie her husband's a no-good cheater; Carlos and Gabby do a drastic remodel on the house; Austin is a hero and also a booze-stealing idiot; and Jackie from Roseanne kills Snora!

11.04.2006
11.10.2006
A

admin

3-6
Recap

Sweetheart, I Have To Confess

Sweetheart, I Have To Confess - Gabby, Lynette, and Susan get drunk; Snora makes a move on Tom; Lynette threatens to snap Snora's spine; Susan gets back with Ian; Carlos sets up Gabby for some vengeful sexing; Jackie gives Bree photos of spousally abused Alma; and Mike has intimate memories of the dead woman, Monique.

10.28.2006
11.03.2006
B+

admin

3-5
Recap

Nice She Ain't

Nice She Ain’t - Tom wants to open a pizzeria; Lynette doesn't want to, and Snora pretends to want Tom to. Julie helps Austin to get a D-. Susan kidnaps Mike for a roll down memory lane. Danielle fake-tries to commit suicide and uses Bree's fear of actually losing her as leverage to keep seeing the ancient History teacher, but tricky Bree masterfully manipulates Danielle's History teacher into dumping Danielle all on his own.

10.21.2006
10.27.2006
B

admin

3-4
Recap

Like It Was

Like It Was - Carlos moves back home, but not in a good way; Lynette teaches baseball-hating Parker a backwards lesson about how much better bribery is than quitting; Bree is shocked to discover that Danielle is sleeping with her history teacher and Andrew prostituted himself whilst living on the streets; and Edie convinces newly awakened and amnesiac Mike that Susan is the devil.

10.14.2006
10.20.2006
B+

admin

3-3
Recap

A Weekend In The Country

A Weekend In The Country - Bree goes searching for homeless Andrew, but Orson's the one who talks him into coming home; Edie warns Julie about bad boys like Austin; Lynette has to go on an emergency road trip with Snora, and learns that Tom hates advertising; Gabby sexes John the Gardener, who turns out to be engaged; and Susan is off sleeping with Ian when Mike wakes up from his coma.

10.07.2006
10.13.2006
B

admin

3-2
Recap

It Takes Two

It Takes Two - Lynette tries to get Snora out of the house by setting her up with Carlos; Ian won't take Susan's "no thanks" for an answer; Bree ignores all warnings and marries Orson; Edie's nephew Austin hits town; Chinese Xiao Mei gives birth to Latina Gabby and Latino Carlos's baby, and the baby, he is...black?

09.30.2006
10.06.2006
A

admin

3-1
Recap

Listen To The Rain On The Roof

Listen To The Rain On The Roof - Hugely pregnant Xiao Mei runs away; Mike's in a coma, but Susan's already lined up a date with some guy she met at the hospital; Jackie from Roseanne crashes Bree and Orson's engagement party and outs Orson as a wife-murderer; Nora horns in on the Scavo family Christmas card photo; and Edie works in real estate.

09.23.2006
09.29.2006
C+

admin

2-23
Recap

Remember

Remember - Mike buys an engagement ring for Susan, Tom's one-night-stand from before Lynette is moving to town with his kid, Zana kills Noah, a SWAT team kills Matthew, MacOrson mows down Mike with his car, and Carlos has sex with Money.

05.20.2006
05.26.2006
B-

admin

2-22
Recap

No One Is Alone

No One Is Alone - Stalker Lynette spies Tom sipping wine with a pretty brunette and moves out; Danielle and Matthew run away together; Bree has a manic frosting meltdown, and then checks herself into a mental facility; Edie -- full of bee venom and bitterness -- puffs up to one thousand times her size; and knocked-up Money sets her sexy sights on Carlos.

05.13.2006
05.19.2006
B

admin

2-21
Recap

I Know Things Now

I Know Things Now - Bree abandons Andrew at the edge of some forest after he seduces Hempy; Betty locks Matthew in the basement when she discovers that he's the bad apple, not Caleb; Xiao Mei the Money gets a little lost in the translation of "surrogate" and strips down naked for Carlos; Tom is beginning to look a lot like a cheater; and Edie burns Susan's house right down to the ground.

05.06.2006
05.12.2006
A

admin

2-20
Recap

It Wasn't Meant To Happen

It Wasn’t Meant To Happen - Karl dumps Edie, Susan desperately tries to deflect suspicion that she's the reason for Karl's departure, Lynette has cyber-sex with Ed's wife on Ed's behalf, Danielle and Matthew set up Caleb with hopes of keeping the Applewrongs in Fairview, Bree takes over as Hempy's SA sponsor, and Gabby and Carlos lose Lily when stripper bio-mom decides to keep the baby.

04.29.2006
05.05.2006
B

admin

2-19
Recap

Don't Look At Me

Don’t Look At Me - A sleep-deprived Gabby throws Money at her new baby, Bree teams up with Justin to keep Andrew for moving away to live with his grandparents, Susan meets a dentist and sleeps with Karl, again, and Lynette distracts a vagina-obsessed Parker with a new puppy.

04.15.2006
04.21.2006
B+

admin

2-18
Recap

Everybody Says Don't

Everybody Says Don’t - Lynette gets a whiff of Andrew's evil and states for the record that Bree's a good mother; the Gablos runs off with Libby's perhaps un-adoptable baby; Karl proposes to Edie; Dr. Ron tells Edie that Karl and Susan are married, and Edie punishes Susan by making her tend bar at the engagement party; Felicia loses her mind and gives Edie Mrs. Huber's teeth; and Hempy is a sex addict.

04.01.2006
04.07.2006
B-

admin

2-17
Recap

Could I Leave You?

Could I Leave You? - Bree passes out in a dressing room; Gabby only wants to adopt a baby from a good-looking mother; Lynette uses chocolate milk to sour a coworker's five-year-old's addiction to breast milk; Caleb has special feelings for Danielle; and Susan falls out of her wheelchair.

03.25.2006
03.31.2006
B+

admin

2-16
Recap

There Is No Other Way

There Is No Other Way - Gabby and Carlos's adoption plans are foiled when it turns out Gardener John's still-mad mother works at the agency. Susan, looped on pre-surgery drugs, tells Dr. Ron that she still loves Mike. Andrew frames Bree as a child-abuser in the hopes of becoming an emancipated minor, so Bree fakes sobriety to prove she's a fit mother. CreePaul narrowly avoids getting shivved. Tom and Lynette have sex in an elevator.

03.11.2006
03.17.2006
B

admin

2-15
Recap

Thank You So Much

Thank You So Much - Bree passes out while babysitting the Scavo spawn. Edie mistakenly thinks that Karl is going to propose, and her hunt for a ring leads to an embarrassingly mangled chocolate soufflé. Gabby discovers that she might not be able to have babies, so her awful mother volunteers the use of her wizened womb. And Zana discovers that Mike is his real dad!

02.18.2006
02.24.2006
B+

admin

2-14
Recap

Silly People

Silly People - Bree unravels Betty's secret; Noah discovers he has a grandson; Gabrielle gets a new maid; Lynette eats raw bacon; and a runaway gay man leaves Susan at the altar, so Karl agrees to remarry her so that his insurance will cover the cost of Susan's wandering spleen surgery.

02.11.2006
02.17.2006
B-

admin

2-13
Recap

There's Something About a War

There’s Something About a War - Tom gets a job at Lynette's office; Gabby gets Sister Mary Hotpants transferred to Alaska (cue the biting, hissing catfight!); Bree spots Caleb at the Applewrong's house, but Betty (who finds out about Andrew's covered-up hit and run) blackmails her into silence; and Susan doesn't want her inexperienced Little Doctor Friend anywhere near her wandering spleen.

01.21.2006
01.27.2006
B

admin

2-12
Recap

We're Gonna Be All Right

We’re Gonna Be All Right - Bree gets a DUI, Susan lures a young doctor with a fake illness, nude pics of Gabby appear online, Lynette wants Tom to get a vasectomy, and Felicia is dying Noah's new nurse!

01.14.2006
01.20.2006
B

admin

2-11
Recap

One More Kiss

One More Kiss - Gabby kisses Tom as a joke, but Lynette isn't laughing; Andrew kisses Justin out in front of the Van de Kamp estate, and Bree isn't laughing (and things only get worse when Andrew tries to blackmail her); Susan and Julie set up Mike and Zana on a bowling date; and dead PI Ironside makes a surprise appearance on Wisteria Lane.

01.07.2006
01.13.2006
B+

admin

2-10
Recap

Coming Home

Coming Home - Zana and Andrew are home; Gabby stops Carlos from going to Africa by nearly killing him with egg poisoning; Susan is a WHORE (at least, that's what her garage door says); Betty and Matthew bust Caleb out of the nuthouse; Michael Ironside hates used ball-gags; and Lynette starts a daycare at work.

12.03.2005
12.09.2005
B-

admin

2-9
Recap

That's Good, That's Bad

That’s Good, That’s Bad - Lynette gets Bossy Boobs fired for having an affair with Receptionist Stu, Carlos gets out of jail early thanks to some nun-lobbying, Susan tells her bio-dad that she's his daughter (and he promptly has a heart attack), and Bree watches George die after discovering that he killed Rex and tried to off Dr. Goldfine.

11.26.2005
12.02.2005
B+

admin

2-8
Recap

The Sun Won't Set

The Sun Won’t Set - Susan discovers the identity of her father, Bree learns that Georgie likes to burn up cars when he gets jealous, Gabby finally grieves for her unborn baby, the police cart away Caleb, and Receptionist Stu gets tased when he tries to help Lynette teach Tom yet another lesson.

11.19.2005
11.25.2005
C+

admin

2-7
Recap

Color And Light

Color And Light - Susan sleeps with Karl, Gabby falls down the stairs, the Scavos' new friends are way into home-porn, and George throws Dr. Goldfine from an overpass. An OVERPASS!

11.12.2005
11.18.2005
A

admin

2-6
Recap

I Wish I Could Forget You

I Wish I Could Forget You - Mike discovers that Susan sent Zana to Utah and dumps her. George manipulates a rashy Bree into "making love." Lynette buys a fancy suit. and Gabby lets the Lecherous Lawyer Bradley in on Victoria's Secret.

11.05.2005
11.11.2005
B+

admin

2-5
Recap

They Asked Me Why I Believe In You

They Asked Me Why I Believe In You - Bree reburies Rex, Susan has troubles with her book agent, Lynette puts on her Boogie Shoes, the Lecherous Lawyer Bradley foxes his way onto team Carlos, and the Basement Buddy is an ax murderer, maybe!

10.22.2005
10.27.2005
B

admin

2-4
Recap

My Heart Belongs To Daddy

My Heart Belongs To Daddy - Gabby hires Carlos a new lawyer, who arranges for Gabby to visit Carlos conjugally while also laying the groundwork for some future sexy Gabby time of his own. Susan and Mike are also sexing it up, but only because Susan secretly believes that Zana is gone for good. But then Susan finds Zana and, without telling Mike, sends Zana off to Utah. Andrew lures George into a meltdown at dinner; then puppetmaster George turns the tables, riling Andrew up so much that Bree sends her son back to reprogramming camp. And Lynette is jealous of Little Big P's imaginary friend/surrogate mother, Mrs. Mulberry!

10.15.2005
10.21.2005
B-

admin

2-3
Recap

You'll Never Get Away From Me

You’ll Never Get Away From Me - A lie-detector test proves that Bree had no part in the Rexicide, but also reveals her hidden feelings for George. George passes his own "did you kill Rex" polygraph test because he's medicated and/or crazy and/or a Vulcan. Lynette scalds her boss's thighs with coffee so that she can cyber-be with P on his first day of kindergarten. Edie plays an ugly piano as Julie sings in the big church talent show, but only after Susan forces Edie out of the show and then guiltily steps aside at the last minute. Phyllis is gone and Felicia's back (but only for a second). And Gabby's really sorry!

10.08.2005
10.13.2005
B-

admin

2-2
Recap

You Could Drive A Person Crazy

You Could Drive A Person Crazy - Susan finds out Edie is sleeping with Karl and gets so mad she knocks the paperboy off his bike and then runs down Edie with her car. Phyllis hogs all the sympathy until Bree slaps off the waterworks. Gabby talks Carlos's cellmate's girlfriend out of a boob job, earning Carlos a beating. And Tom kills a rat.

10.01.2005
10.07.2005
C+

admin

2-1
Recap

Next

Next - Bree gives Rex a last-possible-minute costume change. The Applewhites have someone chained up in the basement. Lynette gets a job. Gabby fakes a paternity test. Zana is Mike's son. And Susan? Isn't moving in with Mike and that crazy gun-toting, stick-swinging son of his.

09.24.2005
09.30.2005
B

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1-23
Recap

One Wonderful Day

One Wonderful Day - Rex dies thinking Bree poisoned him, Zana hospitalizes Felicia with a hockey stick and then holds Susan hostage at gunpoint, Carlos finally finds out that Gabby's been sexing Gardener John, Lynette's going back to work, oh and Mary Angela murdered Deirdre.

05.21.2005
05.27.2005
B

admin

1-22
Recap

Goodbye For Now

Goodbye For Now - Lynette's plan to get Annabel a new job backfires and gets Tom fired. Carlos the Pill-Tamperer gets the wrong end of the stick and pummels gay Justin because he thinks Justin's been sexing Gabby. Rex has another heart attack, but before Bree drives him to the hospital, she must first transform into a psychotic bed-making zombie. Oh, and Mike moves in with Susan.

05.14.2005
05.20.2005
B-

admin

1-21
Recap

Sunday In The Park With George

Sunday In The Park With George - Susan discovers that Mike is good, CreePaul discovers that Felicia has him cornered, and Gardener John discovers that Gabby's baby might be his. Tom's too late and Lynette's too drunk to make use of her French maid outfit, so Tom stages a do-over wearing nothing but a pair of chafing mini-briefs. Carlos convinces Gabby that Mama's to blame for her tampered-with birth-control pills. Bree shares her thoughts, hopes, and dreams with George. And Rex...does a crossword puzzle.

05.07.2005
05.13.2005
A

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1-20
Recap

Fear No More

Fear No More - Gabby is pregnant and barfing-mad at Carlos for tampering with her baby-proofing pills. Master-manipulator George has Bree meeting up with him behind Rex's back for some private bonsai time. Tom's ex is back on the scene, and Lynette is mad enough to pretend she's happy with her kids. Julie breaks Zana's heart. Susan's kitchen explodes. And Sophie hangs a beaded curtain!

04.30.2005
05.06.2005
B+

admin

1-19
Recap

Live Alone and Like It

Live Alone and Like It - In a surprising act of selflessness, Lynette saves her crank-pot neighbor from ODing on pain meds and bitterness. Gabby uses Gardener John's credit card to buy some strappy, Carlos-enraging shoes. Andrew isn't really gay, or at least not entirely...you see, sometimes he likes "vanilla ice cream," sometimes "chocolate," and sometimes he likes homemade bratwurst. He is, however, 100% evil. And Susan is 100% heartbroken. And Susan's mom is 100% tickle-machine. And the body in the toy box is none other than Deirdre, the needle in Mike's haystack.

04.16.2005
04.21.2005
C+

admin

1-18
Recap

Children Will Listen

Children Will Listen - Bree does some spanking, Lynette does some blaming, Carlos turns abusive, Gabby is back to plowing the gardener, Zach is Dana, and the world revolves around Susan.

04.09.2005
04.15.2005
B-

admin

1-17
Recap

There Won't Be Trumpets

There Won’t Be Trumpets - Some men are heroes, some women wear braids, some nurses can't hear, and some deaf women just won't listen.

04.02.2005
04.08.2005
B

admin

1-16
Recap

If It's Brown, Flush It Down

The Ladies Who Lunch - Lice, raw sewage, muffins, and a suspicious videotape stalk through Wisteria Lane like four giant stalking things.

03.26.2005
03.31.2005
A

admin

1-15
Recap

Impossible

Impossible - The cops question Mike for Mrs. Kravitz's murder, and reveal to Susan his drug-trafficking, murderous criminal record. Lynette screws Gay Matt out of a promotion he wanted. Miguel's roommate tries to boff Gabrielle to stave off The Gay.

02.19.2005
02.25.2005
B+

admin

1-14
Recap

Love Is In The Air

Love Is In The Air - Lynette's kids have been stealing from all the neighbors -- including the cranky fabulous Kathryn Joosten. Mike breaks into a neighbor's house to snoop and gets shot. Rex finally admits to KimberBree that he wants to be dominated.

02.12.2005
02.18.2005
C+

admin

1-13
Recap

Your Fault

Your Fault - Rex and KimberBree begin the legal division of their assets, although neither one of them seems completely committed to the divorce. George switches Rex's prescription in order to do him some bodily harm. Lynette discovers that Gay Matt's Dad, Ryan O'Neal, is having an affair and she acts like a total asshole about it. Paul tells Zack that Dana is VERY MUCH ALIVE! Miguel reappears to ask Gabrielle to marry him.

01.22.2005
01.28.2005
B-

admin

1-12
Recap

Every Day A Little Death

Every Day A Little Death - Bodies are found. Toes are lost. Prescriptions are switched. Houses are ransacked. And Susan is covered in human remains.

01.15.2005
01.22.2005
B-

admin

1-11
Recap

Move On

Move On - Mrs. Kravitz's sister turns up for the search for the missing nosy neighbor! Karl wants Susan back! KimberBree starts dating! Gay Matt has the hots for the nanny! And, finally, Gabrielle gets a job that lasts about two seconds before she calls Carlos's lawyer and tells him she's found her husband's passport, which she apparently fished out of the fire before it was destroyed. How very convenient.

01.08.2005
01.12.2005
B-

admin

1-10
Recap

Come Back To Me

Come Back To Me - KimberBree finds out that Rex has been stepping out on her, and decides to make him pay. Lynette has issues with how competent Claire the Nanny is -- like, what do you WANT, Lynette? Carlos is still in jail, but Gabrielle is beginning to suspect that, like Britney Spears, he's not that innocent. Susan orders Zack back to his father's house, where Paul then acts all squirrelly and potentially abusive. You know, business as usual.

12.18.2004
12.21.2004
B

admin

1-9
Recap

Suspicious Minds

Suspicious Minds - Susan finds out about Gabrielle's affair with Miguel and gets really, actually, seriously mad about it. Miguel's mom overhears him talking about how he's boning an older woman, and it seems that she's turned Gabrielle in for statutory rape...but Carlos gets arrested instead. Zack has escaped Crazy Kids Home for the Crazy and is hiding out in Julie's room. Oh, Julie. And KimberBree throws urine on Rex, who's back to acting like an ass.

12.11.2004
12.17.2004
B

admin

1-8
Recap

Guilty

Guilty - Lynette finally cracks up and admits that she needs help. Susan discovers Mike's stash of money and weapons and then he discovers her discovery and breaks up with her despite the fact that, you know, they've never had a real date. KimberBree realizes that Andrew is a heartless, soulless mess of a kid. Mama Solis is in the hospital in a coma, and Carlos and Miguel are both wrecks, while Gabrielle feels bad about not feeling bad. Oh, and Creepy Paul kills Mrs. Kravitz.

11.27.2004
12.03.2004
C

admin

1-7
Recap

Anything You Can Do

Anything You Can Do - Mama Solis gets photographic proof of Miguel and Gabrielle's affair (mostly because Gabrielle is an idiot). Lynette continues her descent into drug addiction. Rex serves KimberBree with divorce papers. Susan continues to act ridiculously desperate -- no pun intended -- over Mike. Creepy Paul thinks that Edie sent Mary Alice The Note -- based on the flimsiest of evidence -- and pays Shaft to knock her off.

11.20.2004
11.25.2004
C+

admin

1-6
Recap

Running To Stand Still

Running To Stand Still - Lynette deals with the Alpha Mom from Hell. Gabrielle attempts to blackmail Mama Solis by way of exploiting Mama Solis's gambling addiction, but shoots herself in the foot. Susan sends Julie into the local Psych ward to do recon on the imprisoned Zack. Finally, KimberBree is determined to get to the bottom of Rex's sexual issues and shows up at his hotel in a fur coat and a matching red bra and panty set. Marcia Cross is seriously hot and totally rules my world.

11.06.2004
11.11.2004
B-

admin

1-5
Recap

Come In, Stranger

Come In, Stranger - Carlos's mother comes to visit, and he tells her he suspects that Gabrielle is cheating on him. Lynette and Gay Matt jump through hoops to get Pantywaist and Parcel into some fancy private school. Susan blah blah contrived blah finally kisses Mysterious Mike, who continues his mysterious habit of mysteriously nosing around the neighborhood. On the Mary Alice Mystery Tip, KimberBree befriends a very troubled and Christmas-obsessed Zack. Poor Zack is insane...or is he?

10.30.2004
11.04.2004
B-

admin

1-4
Recap

Who's That Woman?

Who’s That Woman? - Lynette thinks about putting her rambunctious twins on medication for ADHD. Susan gets blackmailed by Mrs. Kravitz, and is forced to set Mike up with Edie. KimberBree's son reacts badly to Rex's moving out of the house. And, finally, the girls give Creepy Paul The Note.

10.23.2004
10.29.2004
B-

admin

1-3
Recap

Pretty Little Picture

Pretty Little Picture - Rex announces that he and KimberBree are in counseling. Susan accidentally locks herself out of the house, buck-naked. Gabrielle gets caught making out with Miguel by her newest neighbor -- a little girl, who basically blackmails Gabrielle into being her friend. Paul, Mr. Mary Alice, is a totally freaky creep show who may or may not be drugging his son. Gay Matt does a whole lot of pooh-poohing of Lynette's responsibilities as a stay-at-home mom, until he has to spend an evening with the hellspawn.

10.16.2004
10.20.2004
B

admin

1-2
Recap

Ah, But Underneath

Ah, But Underneath - Lynette struggles to control her three terrible hellions, and eventually takes the advice of Wisteria Lane's own Mrs. Kravitz, leaving them by the side of the road to teach them a lesson. KimberBree and Rex go to marriage counseling to try to save their relationship. Gabrielle has her own continuing relationship issues, namely that she realizes that Hot Gardener Miguel is kinda sorta totally in love with her, and it's going to be a problem, what with how she's married and all. Susan, in the midst of attempting to get on Mike's good side, almost kills the dog that allegedly belonged to Mike's Poor Dead (probably fictional) wife. Mike's kitchen is still full of maps, notes, money, and firearms and he's totally either a hired killer or a Fed. On the mystery tip: Mr. Mary Alice takes the chest he dug up from the pool, wrapped it up in plastic threw it into the lake. Unfortunately for him, he doesn't know it popped right back to the surface.

10.10.2004
10.14.2004
B

admin

1-1
Recap

Pilot

Pilot - In which we meet our players: dead narrator Mary Alice; miserable stay-at-home-mom Lynette; former model Gabrielle, who is trapped in a cruddy marriage and comforts herself with the attentions of her hot gardener; single mom Susan, who's got her eyes on Mike, the Hot-But-Mysterious Plumber/CIA Agent across the street; and KimberBree, who makes the Stepford Wives look like a bunch of dirty hippies, and who almost (accidentally?) kills her husband when he announces that he wants a divorce. All this, plus blackmail ahoy!

10.01.2004
10.09.2004
B

admin

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