Charmed

Ep.

Title

Air/Pub'l

Grade

Author

8-22
Recap

Forever CANCELLED!

Forever Charmed - Stick a fork in it. It's done.

05.20.2006
05.26.2006
C+

admin

8-21
Recap

Kill Bimbo: Vol. 2

Kill Billie: Vol. 2 - In which the Manor dies a horrible death, rather than the titular Retard. Though, you know, they certainly won't be needing those sets again any time soon, because CANCELLED!

05.13.2006
05.20.2006
C

admin

8-20
Recap

Frankly, You Morons, I Don't Give A Rat's Ass

Gone With The Witches - Because you and your Maggot Necks and your leprechauns and your Nefarious Demonic Plots For Retard Domination and your Ugly Rufus Wainwrights and your goddamned zombie fairy princesses and your goddamned zombie Triads have been CANCELLED!

05.06.2006
05.12.2006

admin

8-19
Recap

The Three Stigmata Of Chrissssty Retard

The Jung And The Restless - Ssssecretly Evil Chrissssty hurls the Manor Morons onto a dream plane, then sends her maggoty-necked retard of a sister after them to prove to the latter just how selfish the Glamorous Ladies really are. The bad news? It works. The good news? CANCELLED!

04.29.2006
05.05.2006

admin

8-18
Recap

The Short And Unhappy Marriage Of Raige Matthews-Mitchell

The Torn Identity - Two weeks after tripping down the aisle with Darling Henry, Raige has capital-I Issues with the union that send her reeling into the arms of Stoop -- but not for any of the many, many reasons you or I would go reeling into Victor Webster's arms, because stuff like that only happens on other television shows. You know, ones that haven't been CANCELLED!

04.22.2006
04.28.2006
D+

admin

8-17
Recap

Li'l Orphan Retard

Generation Hex - Candor hires a couple of unvanquishable demonic freelancers to off Ma and Pa Retard, thereby earning for himself The Wrath Of Chrissssty. Meanwhile, Raige and Piper have no real subplot to speak of, while Stoop and the Feebs bungle their way through her monstrous dating history so she might learn to love again -- for the ninety-third time since this series began. CANCELLED!

04.15.2006
04.21.2006

admin

8-16
Recap

Engaged And Confused

Engaged And Confused - Behind every good man there is a woman, and that woman was Martha Washington, man, and every day George would come home, she would have a big fat bowl waiting for him, man, when he come in the door, man, she was a hip, hip, hip lady, man. Sadly, Raige Matthews is no Martha Washington.

02.25.2006
03.03.2006
C

admin

8-15
Recap

We Don't Need No Water, Let The Bimbo Retard Burn!

The Last Temptation Of Christy - And the Trademark Without Pity goes to the lovely and talented The Done One for the delightful lyric above that so succinctly captures audience reaction to Maggot Neck's too-close encounter with her sister's primary power this evening. Pity Raige and Phoebe had to intervene, isn't it?

02.18.2006
02.24.2006

admin

8-14
Recap

Zodiac Killers

12 Angry Zen - And by the above, I refer not to this evening's dark demonic forces sent from the flaming maw of Hell, but rather to the typewriting crackmonkeys responsible for this evening's choppy, sloppy, nonsensical, poorly thought out, and disjointed piece of crap. Will no one ever cancel this show? Woe unto us, Les Moonves!

02.11.2006
02.17.2006
F

admin

8-13
Recap

The Freaky Importance of Scrying Hard for the Power of Three Non-Blondes

Repo Manor - And the Trademark Without Pity goes to The Done One, with a crucial assist from Solidify, for that rather succinct encapsulation of the previous episodes the typewriting crackmonkeys tossed into a blender to come up with tonight's script. Guess what? It wasn't as bad as anyone expected it to be. Guess why? Minimal Retard, and when she was on screen, she was getting her oddly proportioned ass handed to her by The Dark Demonic Ps. It's fun for the whole family!

01.21.2006
01.27.2006
C-

admin

8-12
Recap

Revenge of the Retard

Payback’s A Witch - Every time a fan barfs, a Whitelighter gets her hands! In related news, Raige loooooves Henry.

01.14.2006
01.20.2006
D+

admin

8-11
Recap

Retard Family Values

Mr. & Mrs. Witch - This week, the Manor Morons deal with the Retard's assassinating parents and learn that corporate America is evil. It's taken them eight years to realize that?

01.07.2006
01.13.2006

admin

8-10
Recap

Dolt, Be Not Proud

Vaya Con Leos - Because you're going to spend eternity as a massive, gargoyle-faced ice pop, you poor bastard. Damn you, Kern!

11.26.2005
12.02.2005
C-

admin

8-9
Recap

Piper Halliwell, Ph.D

Hulkus Pocus - Piper deploys her mad molecular biology skillz to concoct an antidote for a virus that's been ripping through the magical community. Of course, she does this in all of three seconds and off-screen, because this show sucks. Jesus.

11.19.2005
11.25.2005
D+

admin

8-8
Recap

It's Absurd! It's A Bane! It's Supertard!

Battle Of The Hexes - Tonight, the typewriting crackmonkeys rehash the primary plot of "Witches In Tights" for The Retarded Bimbo's benefit, and what I said three years ago about that episode holds true for this one as well: Next time, toss Julian McMahon into the spandex. Then maybe I'll pay attention. This stupid, stupid show.

11.12.2005
11.18.2005
F

admin

8-7
Recap

The One Where Demian Loses His Mind. Again.

The Lost Picture Show - Believe it or not, the latest all-but-crippling bout of insanity has nothing to do with the Glamorous Idiots, The Retarded Bimbo, the return of Raige's natural father, or the indifferently scripted piece of garbage the typewriting crackmonkeys are calling an episode this evening. This time, it's all about The Krause.

11.05.2005
11.11.2005
F

admin

8-6
Recap

The Phantom Of The Maggot Neck Is Here

Kill Billie: Vol. 1 - For all of about a half an hour, until The Retarded Bimbo vanquishes his embarrassingly clad ass. They're never, ever going to cancel this garbage, are they?

10.29.2005
11.04.2005

admin

8-5
Recap

Rebitched

Rewitched - Hey, if they can repurpose old titles for the episodes, I can do the same for the recaps, right? The Manor Morons cast off their glamours to rejoin society as Capital-H Heroes for the Department of Homeland Security. No, I'm not kidding with that. And I'm also not kidding when I assure you that this one wasn't nearly as wretched as the last three or fo-- oh, the hell with it: This one was pretty crappy, too. "Hero"? In the so-called War On Terror? Phoebe? I want to die.

10.22.2005
10.28.2005
D+

admin

8-4
Recap

Desperate Crackmonkeys

Desperate Housewitches - The production's drastically reduced eighth-season budget has forced Brad Kern to yank all the party rock from his highly trained typewriting crackmonkeys' fun pipes. In the throes of severe withdrawal, they came up with this crap. Hey, do you have a better explanation?

10.15.2005
10.21.2005
F

admin

8-3
Recap

Caged!

Run, Piper, Run - Will Piper come out a woman or a wildcat? That's the question on everyone's mind when Piper ends up in the slammer for a crime she didn't...oh, who am I trying to kid? That question is on no one's mind, because no one cares about this stupid show anymore.

10.08.2005
10.14.2005

admin

8-2
Recap

Down The Bimbo-Hole

Malice In Wonderland - Twinkle, twinkle, Cooter Tat! How I wonder where you're at! Just above her cooch you fly! I shove daggers in my eyes! Twinkle, twinkle, Cooter Tat! How I wonder where you're...oh, screw it. Off with their heads!

10.01.2005
10.07.2005
F

admin

8-1
Recap

Still Charmed And Sucking

Still Charmed & Kicking - Everything you expected it to be, and much, much less. The glamoured Glamorous Idiots get shunted aside so the evil Brad Kern can sling a 19-year-old retarded bimbo into bondage gear and parade her across the screen. It's too depressing for words.

09.24.2005
09.30.2005

admin

7-22
Recap

And Something Bitchy This Way Goes

Something Wicca This Way Goes - For all of three and a half months, until it returns for a goddamned eighth season to inflict its seemingly neverending reign of bad writing and worse fashion sense upon the earth for at least another year. There is no justice in this world.

05.21.2005
05.27.2005
F

admin

7-21
Recap

Tim Whoooooo? Inspector Whaaaaaa?

Death Becomes Them - That title's much funnier when you pretend you're Edna Garrett while you're reading it out loud. Trust me. Zankou slaughters, then zombifies a bunch of people near and dear to the Glamorous Ladies' hearts in order to weaken them to the point where he can snatch the Book of Shadows out of the nonexistent attic. Problem is, we've never seen any of these meat puppets before, ever, so please remind me: Why should we care?

05.14.2005
05.20.2005
C+

admin

7-20
Recap

Jesus Is Just Alright With Me

Imaginary Fiends - Mainly because they turned Mangy Jesus into Junior Dolt for this episode. Yes, the Glamorous Ladies manage to drag Mangy Jesus into the past from 2028. Ask me if I care. Go on. Ask.

05.07.2005
05.13.2005
F

admin

7-19
Recap

"Your Phoebe's So Ugly..."

Freaky Phoebe - "...instead of putting the bungee cord on her ankle, they wrap it around her neck." If only. The Manor Morons battle a differently beautied dark demonic force who just wants to be loved. Is that so wrong?

04.30.2005
05.06.2005
D+

admin

7-18
Recap

Suddenly Katya!

Little Box Of Horrors - Is torturing coeds! Suddenly coeds! Cringe in despair! Suddenly Katya is here to provide us with brisk condescension -- Katya's our friend! Until stupid Raige vanquishes her. Annoying!

04.23.2005
04.29.2005
C+

admin

7-17
Recap

Welcome To The Dolthouse

Scry Hard - An nefarious demonic attack leaves the Dolt with a gaping hole in his back fat, so the Psycho decides to trap both of his parents in a Manor-replica dollhouse up in the attic. Because he wants his father to bleed to death. And you still think that little freak is cute?

04.16.2005
04.22.2005
C+

admin

7-16
Recap

This/Sucks

The Seven Year Witch - And not even Julian McMahon's return to Charmed after two years on the far-superior Nip/Tuck can save it. No demons. No innocents. No Glamorous Lady in any real peril. No spells or potions or Gay Chris, either Tiny or Big. Just the Dolt, on an hour-long walkabout in the West Texas wilderness. I hate life.

04.09.2005
04.15.2005
F

admin

7-15
Recap

And The Band Played On

Show Ghouls - Until they were all immolated in a horrific nightclub fire. And then they played some more, until they were immolated in another horrific nightclub fire, because the stupid band's caught in a stupid time loop. Morons.

02.19.2005
02.25.2005
C-

admin

7-14
Recap

Zane's World

Carpe Demon - Rejected alternate titles for this episode include The Zane Of Their Existence, Zane And The Art Of Motorcycle Maintenance, The Zane Mutiny, and The Legend Of Billy's Jeans. Billy Zane zooms into town, and Phoebe's panties may never be dry again. Damn you, Zane!

02.12.2005
02.18.2005
C+

admin

7-13
Recap

Is That All There Is To Utopia? Is That All There Is?

Charmageddon - This episode gets off to a start as rotten as I'm Not Candy's teeth, but they somehow manage to pull it together long enough in the second half to make this one of the best in a very long time. And in the end, Utopia's been reversed, the Avatars are gone for good, and Brody's a Whitelighter. Yeah, I know. That last bit does suck big bags of crap, doesn't it?

01.29.2005
02.04.2005
B+

admin

7-12
Recap

Something Better Change

Extreme Makeover: World Edition - And apparently what did change was the quality of the writing, the quality of the performances, and the quality of the special effects. They hit this one out of the park. No, I'm serious. Shockingly good.

01.22.2005
01.28.2005
B+

admin

7-11
Recap

Secretly INSANE Brody And The Warehouse Of Doom

Ordinary Witches - Raige drags her latest slampiece into the past to relive the single worst afternoon of his life, in all its gory detail. I think she likes him.

01.15.2005
01.16.2005
C-

admin

7-10
Recap

Witless Protection

Witchness Protection - The Glamorous Ladies try and fail to protect Charisma Carpenter from Oded Fehr's evil bee hands. Yawn. Wake me up when someone kills stupid Raige for her asinine behavior this evening.

11.27.2004
12.03.2004
C

admin

7-9
Recap

There's Something About The Dolt

There’s Something About Leo - And boy, is it sticky. Kidding! I kid because I hate. The Dolt drops the Avatar bomb on the Glamorous Ladies, and hijinks ensue. If by "hijinks," of course, one means "death and despair for everyone involved." It's the feel-good Thanksgiving episode you've been waiting six and half years to see!

11.20.2004
11.26.2004
B

admin

7-8
Recap

Farewell, My Liver

Charmed Noir - No, I didn't actually pull a Ray Milland and drink myself into a stupor during this one, but the temptation certainly was there. Raige and Li'l Bulging Brody get sucked into a pulpy, derivative detective novel concocted by a couple of those pesky Nit!wits, and hijinks ensue. It's better than it sounds. No, really.

11.13.2004
11.19.2004
C+

admin

7-7
Recap

Big Chris To Watch Over Me

Someone To Witch Over Me - The Pretty returns for five minutes of drug-induced flashbacks to previous episodes. The flashbacks are hideously boring, but man. The Pretty. In a red t-shirt. With ridiculously bright new sneakers. Sigh. We missed you, Big Gay Chris.

10.30.2004
11.05.2004
D+

admin

7-6
Recap

It's Just Another Menstrual Monday

Once In A Blue Moon - The Glamorous Ladies are inexplicably transformed into hellhounds when the second blue moon in one year coincides with their synchronized menstrual cycles. Kill me. Now.

10.16.2004
10.22.2004
C-

admin

7-5
Recap

If Death Doesn't Become Her, Will It At Least Shut Her Up?

Styx Feet Under - The "her" of course being a strident, annoying Piper. And then a blisteringly repugnant Raige. Unfortunately, the hag best suited for a shroud remains vital and yappy throughout. Stupid Phoebe ruins everything!

10.09.2004
10.15.2004
C

admin

7-4
Recap

"Shiver Me Bitches!"

Charrrmed! - Yes, the parrot said, "Shiver me bitches!" No, I don't know how they got that one past the suits at the WB. But let me tell you, it was the only worthwhile moment in this evening's entire presentation. Arrr!

10.02.2004
10.08.2004

admin

7-3
Recap

Wiccaning II: The, Um, Wiccaning, Actually

Cheaper By The Coven - Tiny Gay Chris spends most of the hour desperately seeking some much-needed attention from his neglectful family, but this one's all about the evil Psycho's supposed issues. Boring! Thank God for Grams, because otherwise? This one would have sucked ass.

09.25.2004
10.01.2004
B-

admin

7-2
Recap

Hag On A Nag

The Bare Witch Project - Piper risks a citation when she unleashes her right breast in public and, in a desperate attempt to keep the thing from bubbling over, sticks its business end in Tiny Gay Chris's agile little mouth at an outdoor café. Meanwhile, a charismatic Elder's threat to shut out all vagrant Nit!wits from Not!warts leads pensive Raige to ponder a career change that could carry some genuine risk, but she seems not to regret her decision when she finally swaps diaper duty at the Manor for more lofty pursuits at the school. In other news, the Head needles the Dolt atop the Golden Gate Bridge, and things get real quiet at Casa Demian -- a Sunday silence, if you will -- when the Feebs plants her decidedly bare and old rosebud upon a horse in a spectacular bid to out-skank guest innocent Lady Godiva as many in the resulting crowd chant their approval and foolish pleasure at Phoebe's latest assault on all that is decent and good. Needless to say, the whole thing made Demian want to go for gin. Feebs? Behave yourself in the future, you unbridled whore.

09.18.2004
09.24.2004
F

admin

7-1
Recap

A Call To Many Crappy Arm-Like Digital Inserts Of Discontent

A Call To Arms - Featured in this crap-packed season premiere are Piper, the Dolt, Phoebe, Raige, the Psycho, Tiny Gay Chris, Barbas, the Doormat, Pepper Anderson, Stupid Uncle Phil, our intrepid Girl Editor, the Not!warts Nit!wits, a disembodied Head thingy, some random demon from way back in Season Five, and professional boyband fucktard Nick Lachey. With a cast that large, it's no wonder they had nothing left in the budget for decent effects.

09.11.2004
09.17.2004
F

admin

6-23
Recap

The Passion Of The Chris, Part II

It’s A Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad World, Part II - Big Gay Chris dies, and nothing else will ever matter again. Don't worry about me, though. I'll just be over here, sucking on a tailpipe in anticipation of a Chrisless seventh season. Bastards.

05.15.2004
05.23.2004
B-

admin

6-22
Recap

The Passion Of The Chris, Part I

It’s A Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad World, Part I - Phoebe and Raige head to The Bizarro World to rescue Big Gay Chris and the Dolt as Piper heads into labor. Snidely and his Bizarro doppelganger are behind it all, of course, and surprisingly enough, Snidely's Bizarro version is a hell of a lot more entertaining than he is. Where did this shockingly entertaining episode come from, and why couldn't we have had more like it during the season?

05.15.2004
05.21.2004
B+

admin

6-21
Recap

Biting the hand that snatches food from their mouths

Witch Wars - Krista Vernoff retreats from that Wonderfalls debacle to pen this hourlong screed against the reality television genre. Pity the episode was pummeled in the ratings by the Survivor finale. Irony!

05.08.2004
05.14.2004
C+

admin

6-20
Recap

Schlong Day's Journey Into Raige

A Wrong Day’s Journey Into Right - Don't look at me. The sickos on the forums came up with what you see above. And by the way, if they're going to reference that particular O'Neill play in an episode title, would it have killed them to saddle Piper with a morphine addition? I can just see her wandering through Not!warts with her wedding dress, babbling, "That was in the winter of senior year. Then in the spring something happened to me. Yes, I remember. I fell in love with a gargoyle-faced dolt and was so happy for a time!" It would be beautiful, man. Sniff.

05.01.2004
05.07.2004
C+

admin

6-19
Recap

Sex Is Like A Misdemeanor

Crimes And Witch-Demeanors - Da more you miss, da meaner you get. No, it has absolutely nothing to do with this episode, but trust me: It's better this way.

04.24.2004
05.01.2004

admin

6-18
Recap

Chris Of The Spider Woman

Spin City - Sooner or later you're certain to meet -- in [72virg=ins], the Manor, the street -- there's no place on earth you're likely to miss Big Chris. Sooner or later! The Presidio's Dolt's doom! Chris's red contacts flicker in the dark of the gloom! And the webbing will shake. And the son? He is pissed! Here comes Big Chris.

04.17.2004
04.23.2004
C-

admin

6-17
Recap

"Pointless Filler Episode Number 128"

Hyde School Reunion - Containing "Stock Character Number 32," "Stock Character Number 87," "Stock Character Number 146," "Stock Character Number 253," and "The Feebs." This show blows.

03.13.2004
03.20.2004
F

admin

6-16
Recap

Sex And The Single Dolt

The Courtship Of Wyatt’s Father - The Dolt quite literally nails Piper against a wall, so Big Gay Chris gets to stick around for a little while longer. With special guest appearances by yours truly, and several other familiar faces from the depths of Hell. Um. I mean, "TWoP Towers."

02.21.2004
02.27.2004
B-

admin

6-15
Recap

Let's Play Master And Servant

I Dream Of Phoebe - On second thought, let's not. A little too kinky, you know what I mean? Phoebe and Slampiece Buttfuck are transformed into genies who must acquiesce to the every whim of Big Gay Chris and special guest demon Saba Homayoon, respectively. The good news? Phoebe's thoroughly humiliated by Big Gay Chris. The even better news? Buttfuck and his mysterious and annoying problems with magic are outta here, permanently.

02.14.2004
02.20.2004
B

admin

6-14
Recap

The Headless, The Sweathogs, And America's Crotch

The Legend Of Sleepy Halliwell - And if that headline doesn't scare you away from this one, none of the wicked foulness that follows possibly could.

02.07.2004
02.13.2004
F

admin

6-13
Recap

Mata Whori

Used Karma - And the Trademark Without Pity goes to xtremesage for this episode's alternate title. Once again, the alternate title is the best thing about this whole mess, but let's keep that to ourselves, shall we?

01.24.2004
01.30.2004
C-

admin

6-12
Recap

Eduardo Verástegui. Naked.

Prince Charmed - That's all you really need to know.

01.17.2004
01.24.2004
C

admin

6-11
Recap

Hippie Bitches

Witchstock - The Glam Gals head to 1967 for no good reason whatsoever, and slaughter Continuity on their way there. Meanwhile, The Mighty Spooge Demon plays mind games with Grams, Big Gay Chris, and the Dolt. As Grams is the only one of the three humans with a fully functioning brain, The Spooge wins.

01.10.2004
01.16.2004
F

admin

6-10
Recap

Big Gay Chris Went To 2026, And All I Got Was This Lousy Headache

Chris-Crossed - But I also got some spectacular Dolt abuse, so this episode earns an A. My husband finally gets an hour devoted to his backstory, and to no one's surprise, we discover that The Doltine Psycho's grown up to become a muscle-bound, power-mad sociopath who's destroyed both his family and the city that family's called home for generations. Rotten little son of a bitch. Erm. "Witch."

11.22.2003
11.29.2003
A

admin

6-9
Recap

Little Monsters

Little Monsters - The Glamorous Ladies are flung into a tizzy of epic proportions when they find a half-Manticore infant buried in a pile of rags. After much furious debate and rampant bitchery, they decide to rescue the kid from his demonic relatives and reunite him with his human dad, played by the stunning Seth Peterson and his dewy eyes. Seth Peterson. Sigh.

11.15.2003
11.21.2003
B

admin

6-8
Recap

The Madness Of Tiny Gay Chris

Sword And The City - The Manor Morons realize that Tiny Gay Chris is a freaky little sociopath when some moistened bint lobs a scimitar at him, and he promptly uses it to skewer Edward Atterton like a pig at an open-pit barbecue. Uh oh.

11.08.2003
11.14.2003
B

admin

6-7
Recap

Soul Soporific

Soul Survivor - Raige frees a lawyer who sold his soul to Keith Szarabajka by tricking her sisters into vanquishing tonight's guest demon. Meanwhile, Piper dates, Tiny Gay Chris sabotages those dates with some cheap special effects, Phoebe encounters a lard-ass from her past, and Big Gay Chris and the Dolt go Jurassic. Oh, pardon me -- "Cretaceous." Shut up, Dolt.

11.01.2003
11.07.2003
F

admin

6-6
Recap

Welcome To Fantathy Thithtern!

My Three Witches - Thimon from Go arrivezth in Than Franthithco to thuck the Glamorouth Ladieth into alternate realitiezth that ekthitht in hith well. It'th up to Big Gay Chrith to thave the Pth, which he doezth after getting himthelf thporked by a Darklighter'th crothbow. I promithed mythself I'd thtop typing like thith after that inithal paragraph, but it'th jutht too much fun! Thilliezth.

10.25.2003
10.31.2003
C

admin

6-5
Recap

Never Was There A Tale Of More Woe!

Love’s A Witch - Okay, so that's a complete lie, but if they're ripping off Romeo and Juliet for tonight's A-plot, the least I can do is oblige them with an appropriate quote. Raige finds herself in the middle of a decades-old feud between two witchy San Francisco families, and things only get worse when one of the dead combatants comes back from the grave to possess Raige's body. In other news, Phoebe's stoopid new power continues to annoy, but tonight Big Gay Chris finally does something about it. God, I love him. And I hate her.

10.18.2003
10.24.2003
B

admin

6-4
Recap

Behold The Power Of Sleaze

The Power Of Three Blondes - The skanky Stillman sisters arrive on Prescott Street avec kneepads to swipe the Charmed Ones' identities and powers. Soon enough, everyone in the Glamorous Ladies' lives accepts the impostors as the real thing. Big Heroic Chris eventually figures out what's going on and saves the day, but not before his long-suffering husband loses most of his internal organs to the infernal machinations of Kern & Ko. I hate this show.

10.11.2003
10.17.2003
F

admin

6-3
Recap

Not Without My Done One

Forget Me…Not - Phoebe's stupid new power sparks an office-wide brawl, Raige helps a coworker avoid their lecherous boss's advances, Tiny Gay Chris and his Big Gay Self make some new friends, and Piper's fabulous hair saves the day. The Dolt? Fucking worthless, as usual. Color me shocked.

10.04.2003
10.08.2003
B

admin

6-2
Recap

SPARKLE, Phoebe, SPARKLE! (Part II)

Valhalley Of The Dolls, Part II - After the expected amounts of stupidity and angst, Phoebe and Raige free the Dolt from the Isle Of Dykes and force Piper to process her issues regarding the Dolt's promotion. And in the end, Piper and the Dolt receive one-way tickets to Splitsville. Like I care.

09.27.2003
10.04.2003
D+

admin

6-1
Recap

SPARKLE, Phoebe, SPARKLE! (Part I)

Valhalley Of The Dolls, Part I - Piper's a moron, Raige is a dog-walker, Big Gay Chris macks on a chick, and Phoebe gets a new power. It's a mess -- an ungodly mess. But it's our mess, right? Right? RIGHT?!

09.27.2003
10.02.2003
D+

admin

5-23
Recap

Revenge Of The Big Gay Done One (Part The Second)

Oh My Goddess, Part II - The Glamorous Goddesses, after much Dolt-related angst and soul-searching, send the Titans to Hell. Piper freaks about the Dolt's promotion to Elder for a moment, but everything's made right when Big Gay Chris blows that damn dirty Dolt clear out of the sky. I love that crazy kid.

05.10.2003
05.19.2003
C+

admin

5-22
Recap

Revenge Of The Big Gay Done One (Part The First)

Oh My Goddess, Part I - Mayhem erupts when a dimwitted dark demonic force releases the Titans from their three-thousand-year-old ice prison. The Glamorous Ladies panic, until a Big Gay Whitelighter from the future convinces the Dolt to unleash some super-secret Mythological Mojo from Whitelighterland.

05.10.2003
05.17.2003
C-

admin

5-21
Recap

Men Suck

Necromancing The Stone - Grams thinks The Done One is terribly wrong, Raige learns that Slampiece Ratbag has a wife and two kids, Chronic tries to enslave poor, wretched, put-upon Phoebe, and don't even get me started on the Dolt.

05.03.2003
05.10.2003
B+

admin

5-20
Recap

Touch my monkey.

Sense And Sense Ability - Crazy Grace sends Marcel from Outbreak after the Glamorous Ladies. Unfortunately, it's Crazy Grace who ends up on the funeral pyre. Dammit!

04.26.2003
05.03.2003
B+

admin

5-19
Recap

Nymrods Just Want Demian Dead

Nymphs Just Want To Have Fun - This show is killing me. Killing me! A trio of wood nymphs seeks the Glamorous Ladies' protection when their satyr gets fried by Demian's newest new husband. Piper, evil witch that she is, fights frying with frying, and Demian once again finds himself alone and forlorn. Shrew.

04.19.2003
04.26.2003

admin

5-18
Recap

Prat House

Cat House - The Dolt has Issues, so everyone suffers. Piper casts a personal gain spell that imprisons Phoebe and Raige in her recollections of Dolts past. Also, Kit returns to shock everyone with his unbearably dowdy fashion sense.

04.12.2003
04.19.2003
B

admin

5-17
Recap

This Show Blows, And I Want To Die

Lucky Charmed - Eye-searing fashions, god-awful accents, and one very prominent cooter tattoo make for an episode only Helen Keller could love.

04.05.2003
04.12.2003
F

admin

5-16
Recap

Baby's First Sucky Episode

Baby’s First Demon - After much demon-related mayhem, The Done One finally gets a name. Grace Zabriskie, meanwhile, singlehandedly pulls this episode out of the toilet through sheer force of will. It still wasn't worth it.

03.29.2003
04.05.2003
D+

admin

5-15
Recap

The Day. The Maaaaaagic. Died.

The Day The Magic Died - I started singing, "So sad -- that poor, aging Ladd hag."
Asked the Phoebe, "Who would she be?"
"Some old bat with a shag."
And my friend Raige sniffed, "I thought Feebs was the slag."
Good God! This'll be the day the Dolt cries --
And that'll be the moment I die.
Because I'm going to KILL MYSELF.

02.15.2003
02.22.2003
F

admin

5-14
Recap

Sand Francisco Dreamin'

Sand Francisco Dreamin’ - I kept waiting for this one to start sucking, and it never really did. Come inside and watch me make an ass of myself gushing about one of the best episodes this show's ever produced.

02.08.2003
02.15.2003
A

admin

5-13
Recap

Many Happy Returns

House Call - A slothful Dolt, passable effects, a general sense of self-mockery, and Our Lady Of The Dead Heathers. Slampiece Glenn's back, too, but his horrific hair-don't makes us all very sad indeed.

02.01.2003
02.08.2003
B

admin

5-12
Recap

Centennial Charmed

Centennial Charmed - The one-hundredth episode features a butch Dolt, an even butcher Piper, a whiny Feebs, a victorious Raige, and the triumphant return of Miss Debbi Morgan. And oh, yeah, I almost forgot: Cole dies.

01.18.2003
01.25.2003
C

admin

5-11
Recap

The Importance Of Being A Deranged Serial Killer

The Importance Of Being Phoebe - Because really, this one's all about Cole. Your favorite demonic boy toy and mine shreds Phoebe's professional reputation, sabotages Piper's club, frames Raige for murder, wrests control of the Nexus from the Glamorous Ladies, inhales The New And Improved Non-Dread Non-Woogy, gets a hummer from a shape-shifting bimbo, and still has time to remodel the Casa. Is there anything he can't do? Besides survive to the end of the season, of course.

01.11.2003
01.18.2003
C+

admin

5-10
Recap

Y Tu Mammaries También

Y Tu Mummy TambiƩn - Oh, pipe down. You know I had to do it, especially after Phoebe unleashed the Fun Bags on an unsuspecting Egypt to jiggle her way through a mortifyingly ludicrous version of The Dance Of The Seven Veils. Good thing Raige can add resurrection to her growing list of powers, because everyone who witnessed that embarrassment dropped dead.

01.04.2003
01.11.2003
C

admin

5-9
Recap

You were expecting a Seuss joke here, weren't you?

Sam I Am - Sorry to disappoint. In this sturdy yet dull episode, Raige meets her long-lost, long-dead, home-wrecking, alcoholic, clumsy, foolish, ineffectual, and boring Whitelighter father, and it only serves to prove that watching other people booze it up it nowhere near as fun as boozing it up yourself.

11.16.2002
11.20.2002
B-

admin

5-8
Recap

A witch in time...

A Witch In Time - ...does not save Ken Marino! Hooray! Gonzo The Chinless Wonder gets shot twice in the chest, takes a ceremonial dagger in the heart, topples off a fourth-floor balcony, and then gets shot some more! This is the best episode ever!

11.09.2002
11.11.2002
B+

admin

5-7
Recap

Sympathy For The Literary Convention

Sympathy For The Demon - Billy Drago returns to pick up another check from Spelling Productions, and I respectfully suggest that he spend the entire amount fixing his hideous teeth. A trip to the day spa couldn't hurt, either. Meanwhile, Contrivance and Foreshadowing molest Continuity on the Manor sun porch, and Phoebe gains points by socking the odious Ken Marino in the teeth.

11.02.2002
11.04.2002
C

admin

5-6
Recap

Gypsies, Tramps, and Feebs

The Eyes Have It - How do we tell the difference? The Feebs is the only one who's still bitching about Cole. And he's not even in this episode! Moron.

10.19.2002
10.21.2002
B-

admin

5-5
Recap

Witches. Tights. Whatever.

Witches In Tights - Next time, toss Julian McMahon into the spandex. Then maybe I'll pay attention.

10.12.2002
10.13.2002
C-

admin

5-4
Recap

Siren Song

Siren Song - Color me shocked, but this one was pretty good. The percolating infant switches around Mom and Dolt's powers to teach the bickering marrieds a lesson. Meanwhile, Cole chokes Phoebe to death. See? I told you it was good.

10.05.2002
10.07.2002
B

admin

5-3
Recap

Crappily Ever After

Happily Ever After - Come on. You know I had to say it. The good news: Grams! The bad news: Grams's hair! And Raige's dress! And Piper's surly pregnant-lady hormones! And Cole, with the moping! And Young Indiana Jones, with the aging badly! And the Dolt's giant, scary gargoyle head! And Phoebe's...well, Phoebe's everything, really. Hag.

09.28.2002
09.30.2002
B

admin

5-2
Recap

Smells Like Fish, Tastes Like Chicken (Parte Deux)

A Witch’s Tail, Part II - No, I still haven't tried the mermaid paté. Why are you looking at me like that?

09.21.2002
09.24.2002
B-

admin

5-1
Recap

Smells Like Fish, Tastes Like Chicken (Parte Un)

A Witch’s Tail, Part I - Not that I myself have ever had a mermaid salad sandwich on toasted wheat bread or, you know, enjoyed me some pan-seared mermaid washed down with a saucy Chardonnay. It's just what I've heard.

09.21.2002
09.23.2002
D+

admin

4-22
Recap

This is the way the season ends

Witch Way Now? - Not with a bang, but a baby.

05.15.2002
05.19.2002
C+

admin

4-21
Recap

Get Shortie

Womb Raider - And the TM Without Pity goes to tvjunkie for this episode's alternate title. Just between you and me, the alternate title is the best thing about this whole mess.

05.08.2002
05.13.2002
D+

admin

4-20
Recap

Long Live The (Drag) Queen

Long Live The Queen - What rough beast slouches towards San Francisco to be born? Beats the hell out of me. This one's all about Phoebe. Again. What a dump!

05.01.2002
05.07.2002
B

admin

4-19
Recap

In the Arms of the Phoebeast

We’re Off To See The Wizard - And boy, are they hairy. Phoebe's evil. For some reason, this is news to the other characters on the show. Also, D'Eartha and my grandmother split a beer while wondering what Jane Wyman ever saw in Ronald Reagan.

04.24.2002
05.01.2002
C

admin

4-18
Recap

Suck This

Bite Me - Bloodsucking! Breast implants! Sponge baths! Total Quality Management! Whizzing on a stick! All this -- plus Josephine Potter's Bantering Bandit -- tonight on Charmed!

04.17.2002
04.24.2002
B-

admin

4-17
Recap

Kicking The Crap Out Of Private Dolt

Saving Private Leo - Ah. The Brothers Mandylor. Not only are they quite fetching in their tight clothing, they're also quite skilled at kicking Dolt ass. Don't be strangers, boys.

03.27.2002
04.01.2002
C-

admin

4-16
Recap

Five More Reasons To Hate The Dolt

The Fifth Halliwheel - The Sole's been such a busy boy lately, what with finding a new job and driving Raige insane, not to mention knocking up Phoebe. Speaking of not mentioning things, I wish I didn't have to call your attention to Piper and the Dolt. Unfortunately, they left me little choice.

03.20.2002
03.25.2002
B

admin

4-15
Recap

We'll have an old-fashioned wedding.

Marry-Go-Round - Or not. Phoebe finally gets to walk down the aisle, but her feet get tangled up in Coolio's braids, and everything goes to hell. It's sad.

03.13.2002
03.17.2002
D+

admin

4-14
Recap

Phoeby! Phoebi! Phoebé!

The Three Faces Of Phoebe - Phoebe's past, present, and future selves gather at the Manor to paint each other's toenails, scarf down some Häagen-Dazs, and talk about boys. Also, Raige gets a promotion at "work."

02.13.2002
02.17.2002
B+

admin

4-13
Recap

There's A New Source In Town

Charmed And Dangerous - Cole joins forces with yet another guest demon culled from the ranks of General Hospital regulars to overthrow The Source. In return, Cole gets all of The Source's powers and a fabulous new wardrobe. Speaking of fabulous, Piper's hair has never looked better. Offsetting all of this glamour are, in no particular order, Raige's rags, Phoebe's pigtails, and the Dolt's obstinate refusal to die when eviscerated by an arrow. I guess we can't win them all.

02.06.2002
02.11.2002
B

admin

4-12
Recap

You Lost Me

Lost And Bound - Piper takes an adolescent Firestarter under her wing when demonic bounty hunters threaten to turn him over to The Source. The kid's powers ignite a round of furious hand-wringing in Halliwell Manor as Piper and the Dolt use the Firestarter's situation as a jumping-off point for a debate on "raising magical children in a non-magical world." It's not as tedious as it sounds. No, they lost me in the bit where Phoebe thinks she's Samantha Stephens. The Samantha Stephens I know wouldn't bother to wipe Phoebe off her damned shoe.

01.30.2002
02.03.2002
B

admin

4-11
Recap

Guineas and goombahs and wops, oh my!

Trial By Magic - The Italian-American Anti-Defamation League files suit as Kern & Co. populate this week's offering with an array of greaseballs and dagos and goons as Phoebe fights for justice for the wrongfully accused. How could Alyssa Milano allow them to do this to her people?

01.23.2002
01.31.2002
C-

admin

4-10
Recap

A Pain In My Ass

A Paige From The Past - Dear Charmed Writing Staff: Never again use the words "sucks," "rotten," and "car wreck" in the same episode. It makes my job way too easy. Kisses, Demian.

01.16.2002
01.23.2002
D+

admin

4-9
Recap

An episode that will live in infamy.

Muse To My Ears - Why, you ask? Far too much time devoted to the status of Phoebe and Cole's relationship, far too little time devoted to kicking demonic ass. Mind you, there's plenty of demonic ass kicked around in this episode. There's just a hell of a lot more relationship chatter. Add that to the whole factions-against-the-muses thing, and my teeth were set on edge for the worse part of an hour.

12.12.2001
12.20.2001
C

admin

4-8
Recap

Black as the Bitter, Bitter Heart Of Brad Kern

Black As Cole - The Colethazor's up to his neck in the sturm and the drang as the fiancée of one of his past victims confronts both him and the Ps once she realizes he is indeed responsible for the death of her late intended. Phoebe's flabbergasted, Piper pouts, and Raige reveals her Reaganite roots as the Glamorous Ladies deal with the Manor-shattering implications. Good thing the Dolt's on hand to offer a little light-hearted comic relief. Not.

11.14.2001
11.21.2001
B+

admin

4-7
Recap

Head Games

Brain Drain - The Source and Piper, baby / Head games -- And I can't take it anymore / Head games -- Piper's always with the nagging / Head games / Head games -- Eilish tortures with the costumes / Head games -- 'Til I can't take it anymore / No more head games -- Stop it with this crap, Brad Kern, please? / Head games. Somebody shoot me.

11.07.2001
11.12.2001
C+

admin

4-6
Recap

A Knight To Remember

A Knight To Remember - No, it's not the 1950s Titanic movie, though a Titanic-related annoyance does make an alarming appearance in tonight's episode, and I'm not talking about Doctor Bombay. Also: Bad fashion choices, both medieval and modern. Shudder.

10.31.2001
11.04.2001
B-

admin

4-5
Recap

Size Matters

Size Matters - There's a size-queen joke lurking within this episode's title, but I'm not going to be the man who whips it out for you. Piper, Phoebe, and Raige cross swords and butt heads with a sexually-disturbed sociopath with a thing for five-inch-long, artfully-fashioned columns of clay. There's also a special guest appearance by a tool posing as a club promoter. Not to worry, though. The tool and the sociopath both find their grand designs considerably deflated within the tail end of the hour. I wonder what the gals would charge for their services if they decided they really needed the extra cash?

10.24.2001
10.29.2001
B

admin

4-4
Recap

Enter The Stench

Enter The Demon - Of ass. For that is what this evening's presentation is. Ass.

10.17.2001
10.23.2001
F

admin

4-3
Recap

Hell hath no fury like a Piper bitching.

Hell Hath No Fury - Piper's unresolved anger issues land her in hot water when a trio of Furies hits town. Almost exactly like last season's Banshees, Furies wreak havoc by infecting bitchy witches and turning them to the Dark Side. Needless to say, Piper tops their list of targets. Meanwhile, Rose churns up a storm of troubles on her own when she absconds from the Manor with the Book of Shadows and begins flinging personal gains hither and yon. Idiot.

10.10.2001
10.17.2001
B

admin

4-2
Recap

Charmed Again, Part The Second

Charmed Again, Part II - The Power of Three is restored as Piper, Phoebe, and Paige grow to understand that they are powerless in the face of their shared "destiny," and they accept the higher power known as "contrivance" into their collective heart. Pass me my bottle of Jagermeister. It's the one with the IV hook-up.

10.03.2001
10.10.2001
B-

admin

4-1
Recap

Charmed Again, Part The First

Charmed Again, Part I - Piper calls upon the spirits to resurrect the Power of Three. By this, she means, of course, to have the spirits resurrect Prue. Guess what? Doesn't happen. However, the good news is, Piper gets Rose McGowan as a booby prize. Heh. I said "booby." Because I'm twelve. Okay, one score and twelve. Shut up.

10.03.2001
10.09.2001
C-

admin

3-24
Extra

Shannen sings!

Friends 'Til The End - Need I say more? Yeah. Didn't think so.

01.19.1997
07.30.2001
D+

admin

3-22
Recap

All Hell Breaks Loose

All Hell Breaks Loose - Brad Kern provides the script as Shannen Doherty directs her very own swan song. God help me, but it's the best episode of Charmed I've ever seen. Who knew they had it in them?

05.16.2001
05.21.2001
A

admin

3-21
Recap

Look Who's Barking

Look Who's Barking - And bitching. And screaming. Of the three, only the first does not apply to me. A conveniently-appearing banshee -- who, mind you, has nothing to do with her Gaelic counterparts -- functions as this week's excuse for wacky Wiccan hijinks. Prue turns into a malamute, Phoebe turns into an extra in a Bonnie Tyler video, and Piper's left to pick up the pieces. Just walk away, Piper. After all, Shannen did.

05.09.2001
05.13.2001
B-

admin

3-20
Recap

Exit Strategery

Exit Strategy - Is Cole really good? Is the Pope the infallible temporal representative of the Holy Trinity on Earth? The second half of what I pray to be a mere two-episode story arc ends with Phoebe consumed by doubt and Cole all by his lonesome in a dungeon. Poke me with a stick when it's over.

05.02.2001
05.08.2001
C+

admin

3-19
Recap

The Demon Who Came In From Thzzzzzzzzzzz

The Demon Who Came In From The Cold - The sisters use their powers to prevent a corporate merger. If that sounds like fun to you, you need to tear up that MBA from the Thunderbird School of International Management and get out of the house more often. Yawn.

04.25.2001
04.29.2001
C

admin

3-18
Recap

Sin Francisco

Sin Francisco - Wasn't that the Bay Area Tourist Board's slogan from last year? Ba-dum-bump. The Eighth Deadly Bath Bead of Cheap Shots, ladies and gentlemen. Give him a hand. He'll be with us for the entire recap.

04.18.2001
04.22.2001
B

admin

3-17
Recap

PreBitched

PreWitched - Jennifer Rhodes works hard for her money, and even harder not to kick the Ps’ asses into next month. Finola Hughes joins Casey Lennox and Meat Loaf as support for the gals as they tussle with demons past and present. Extra Special Bonus: the Dolt has five minutes of screentime. Extra Special Hell: He’s naked for most of it. Bleck.

03.21.2001
03.25.2001
C+

admin

3-16
Recap

Death Takes A Tango Lesson

Death Takes A Halliwell - On my last nerve. Phoebe, Cole, Piper, the Dolt, a couple of vampires, a Supreme Court justice, and a cop I'd forgotten about form the supporting cast in this battle between Prue's inner child and the Angel of Death. Guess who wins. Prue, you say? Wrong answer! Finally. That witch needed to be taken down a peg or two.

03.14.2001
03.17.2001
B

admin

3-15
Recap

Somewhere, Sigmund Freud spins in his grave

Just Harried - Prue sorely tries the patience of all involved -- including your faithful recapper -- when her AP "Id" splits from her Special Ed "Ego," wreaking havoc on Piper and the Dolt's wedding ceremony in the process. A cast of thousands joins the Ps for this Very Special Episode, including Veronica Sawyer's mother, Harvey Keitel Lite, Bobby Briggs, Brian Hawkins, an Evil Smoker, Cher, Barbara Hershey's faithless husband from Beaches, the Colethazor, a plague of boy bands, Celine Dion, Anna Scorpio, Detective Duhrryl, and other assorted trash of the biker-bar type. Grab a cocktail and a scorecard and join in on the "fun," kids. The good news is that we never have to listen to Piper bitch about her wedding delays again. The bad news is they'll probably spring a divorce storyline on us within two months. Hooray! Or not.

02.21.2001
02.26.2001
B-

admin

3-14
Recap

The Contrived, The Unrealistic, And The Overlong

The Good, The Bad And The Cursed - Daddy Dearest Victor Bennett inadvertently places the Power of Three at risk when he uses Phoebe as the canary in the coal mine to check out a possible investment site, which is currently occupied by a rather active ghost town. Piper's plans for The Perfect Wedding are once again placed on ice when Phoebe is led to death's door because of her accidental involvement in the ghost town's sordid past. Prue is forced to bury the hatchet with Cole temporarily in order to save Phoebe's life. Prue and Cole squiggle on over to a parallel plane, where they meet John Ashcroft and a Magical Native American Guy, among others. The Dolt also gets some screentime, butChuckles the Crow owns this episode. Atta boy.

02.14.2001
02.17.2001
B-

admin

3-13
Recap

Something Borrowed, Something Prue

Bride And Gloom - Piper's plans for a normal wedding grind to a predictable halt when a virulent form of, well, virulence causes her to freak out on the wedding planners and actually make her fiancé, well, die. Meanwhile, Prue is apprehended by the Rogaine product-placement department's next before-and-after project, and discovers that she's only desirable as a prospective wife if she agrees to spend the whole marriage flat on her back. Cole returns just in time to contend with angry demons, angry witches, and an angry costume department who foisted the heinous specter of Phoebe's knitwear on a now-angry nation.

02.07.2001
02.10.2001
C+

admin

3-12
Recap

Wrestling with the Nielsens

Wrestling With Demons - In a ratings ploy, Charmed imports a trio of WCW lugnuts to combat the new Thursday installments of Survivor II and CSI on CBS. The ploy failed miserably, but the episode was entertaining nonetheless. The lovely ladies of Halliwell Manor go up against the low-rent meat-axes of the WCW to save the soul of an adorable ex of Prue's. There's little Leo, which is a good thing, and a lot of ass-kicking, which is even better. Shame they had to ruin it with all that endless blather over Phoebe lying about the Colethazor. Idiots.

01.31.2001
02.04.2001
B

admin

3-11
Recap

Blinded by the Dolt

Blinded By The Whitelighter - There's a warlock on the loose, and he's gunning for the Whitelighter Brigade. Prue, Piper, and Phoebe get a new guardian for this assignment, as The Powers That Be feel that the Dolt is letting his emotions cloud his judgment. Natalie is the new gal's name, and she's tough as nails, so of course the sisters immediately hate her with the blazing passion of a thousand suns. Will they overcome their differences to succeed in vanquishing the warlock before he destroys Heaven? I take it you don't watch this show very often. By the way, the Dolt gets a new nickname. I don't care if you hate me for it. The bastard deserves it.

01.24.2001
01.29.2001
B

admin

3-10
Recap

We All Scream For Ice Cream

We All Scream For Ice Cream - Well, some of us. I'm screaming for this crap to end. The production staff makes me grateful I have no need to breed as it parades ten -- count 'em, ten -- preadolescent nightmares before my eyes in this Very Special child-centric Charmed. I've a newfound admiration for my parents. How they managed to stagger through forty years of child-rearing without smothering me and my seven siblings as we slept is beyond my powers of comprehension. By the way, Prue, Piper, Phoebe, and the Dolt see some action in this one. No, not like that. Ew.

01.17.2001
01.22.2001
D+

admin

3-9
Recap

Coyote Not-So-Ugly

Coyote Piper - Except for the clothes and the hair and the alchemist and Leo, but we should expect all of that by now. Piper gets possessed by the Essence of Slut, and thus has a far better time at her high-school reunion than she thought she would. The Pruevert returns with a vengeance and sets her sights on a younger man who drives a sporty red convertible. Phoebe spends far too much of my time pining for her much, much older man, who unfortunately does not make an appearance in this episode. And as for me? Well, let's just say Julian McMahon has distracted me from how much I really hate Brian Krause. Take McMahon out of the episode, and I'm free to let the rage seethe. Asshole.

01.10.2001
01.15.2001
B

admin

3-9
Extra

FHM Hates Me

FHM Interview With Alyssa Milano - A tightly-bodiced Alyssa Milano chats with Bridget Freer of For Him Magazine. The interview doesn't totally suck, but I'll never get those couple of hours of my life back. Or my $3.50. Join me as I take look at Alyssa's attitudes towards nudity, condom use, and Marky Mark, all courtesy of my least-favorite magazine for heterosexuals. My better instincts will be over there on the couch mocking Scarlett O'Hara. Something tells me that little activity is a whole hell of a lot more fun than this.

01.02.2001
01.02.2001
B

admin

3-8
Recap

I want Cole in my stocking this year

Sleuthing With The Enemy - Many thanks to Laurie for the line above. Cole pleads "reformed" and Phoebe buys it hook, line, and sinker. Good thing, because Julian McMahon is quite simply too gorgeous to be vanquished. Prue formulates, Piper pontificates, Phoebe prevaricates, and a guest demon agitates. This episode, however, is Cole's to lose, and in Demian's heart of hearts, he doesn't. Like he ever could at this point.

12.13.2000
12.17.2000
C+

admin

3-7
Extra

For Heterosexual Morons

FHM Interview With Shannen Doherty - I thought the recent puff pieces in the gay rags profiling Christopher Meloni and the cast of Showtime's forthcoming Queer as Folk stretched the limits of taste, what with Meloni being asked to reveal -- and revealing -- the "special part" of his anatomy in Out, and the boys from QaF quizzed on what ass tastes like in The Windy City Times. (Answer: "It tastes like ass.") Then I read the Shannen Doherty "interview" that accompanied her lingerie spread in For Him Magazine. Stereotypes exist for a reason, it seems: straight men really are more puerile than their gay counterparts when it comes to sex. And everything else.

11.26.2000
11.26.2000

admin

3-7
Recap

Cole, Shirtless, Part The Second

Power Outage - In the second McMahonflesh sweeps episode, Cole hires a demon named Andras to help him destroy the Power of Three. Prue, Piper, and Phoebe get really honest with each other, then backpedal when they realize honesty is not in their best interests. Alyssa Milano looks better than she has any right to in black capri pants and a matching bustier, while the Andrews Sisters meet a nasty end down in Hell. Also, Julian McMahon takes his clothes off. Mmm.

11.15.2000
11.20.2000
D

admin

3-6
Recap

Cole, Shirtless, Part The First

Primrose Empath - I have no idea if stripping Julian McMahon of his clothes is a ratings stunt for sweeps, but you know what? I don't care. In the first of two shirtless McMahon episodes, Cole sends Prue a series of signs that lead her to Vince, a shut-in empath on the verge of suicide because of the voices in his head. Prue works a spell that transfers the empath power from Vince to herself, and we find out Vince the Empath Shut-In is actually Vinceres the Immortal Demonic Assassin. Oops. Prue quickly descends into madness, leaving Piper, Phoebe, and Leo to search for a solution alone. Also, Julian McMahon takes his clothes off. Mmm.

11.08.2000
11.19.2000

admin

3-5
Recap

Stalker? I Don't Even Know Her.

Sight Unseen - Piper and Phoebe stand impotently on the sidelines as Prue descends into stalker-induced paranoia. Darryl, meanwhile, limply meanders through this episode himself, his latex gloves his only friends. Cole proves quite a bit more virile -- if shady -- in his battle to rid himself of the new demon on the block. And let's just say that "impotent" and "Leo" can no longer be used next to each other in a sentence. Unfortunately.

11.01.2000
11.05.2000
D

admin

3-4
Recap

I Have A Feeling We're Not In Toto Anymore, Kansas

All Halliwells' Eve - Cole dons a wig appropriate for the front man in a seventies hair band in order to cut the Halliwell line of witches off at its head. Speaking of head, Leo and Darryl bond over a couple of Grimlocks while the Prue, Piper, and Phoebe shuttle back in time to save a certain Halliwell foremother from the dastardly plans of the forces of evil.

10.25.2000
10.29.2000

admin

3-3
Recap

Once Upon A Time

Once Upon A Time - Leo admits he's come to say goodbye, this time for good. The Powers That Be caught them red-handed trying to circumvent the rules, and Leo can never see Piper again. This episode just started, and I'm already bored.

10.18.2000
10.18.2000

admin

3-2
Recap

Magic Hour

Magic Hour - Brooke and the owl share a tender moment. I can't believe I just typed that last sentence.

10.11.2000
10.11.2000
D

admin

3-1
Recap

The Honeymoon's Over

The Honeymoon's Over - Seems there was a little misunderstanding between the abandoned Halliwell Ps over the division of responsibilities in middle sister Piper's absence. Phoebe expresses concern that Piper and Leo Wyatt might never return from Leo's Whitelighter land of orbed-off bliss, which Prue dismisses.

10.04.2000
10.04.2000

admin

2-23
Recap

Episode Sneak Preview

Episode Sneak Preview - Owen goes all M:I2 at Spelling HQ.

06.19.2000
06.19.2000
D

admin

2-22
Recap

Be Careful What You Witch For

Be Careful What You Witch For - Hell. Yes, we're literally in hell.

05.17.2000
05.17.2000
D

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2-21
Recap

Apocalypse Not

Apocalypse Not - Piper explains that she's just "hanging out, spending non-magic time" with her sisters. Leo asks for a raincheck. Prue urges them to go out to dinner while the callous Ps go to the club to "keep an eye" on things. (Because "keeping an eye" is far removed from the act of "lifting a finger.") Piper expositions that she's hired a good assistant manager to do that.

05.10.2000
05.10.2000

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2-20
Recap

Astral Monkey

Astral Monkey - NO ONE CARES WHERE DAN IS THIS EPISODE OR, FOR THAT MATTER, EVER.

05.03.2000
05.03.2000
D

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2-19
Recap

Ex Libris

Ex Libris - Prue gives extra-quick exposition about No. magazine sending her out to "capture faces" in the city (an assignment that has BUSY WORK stamped all over it, in my opinion) so Prue went to "the Haight, " i.e. the Haight-Ashbury District, I suppose, to take photos.

04.26.2000
04.26.2000
D

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2-18
Recap

Chick Flick

Chick Flick - Prue expositions some more about Dan being "the past" and how Piper's "future is in town tonight for dinner and a movie." Piper expositions some more about Leo and their wishes to be a normal couple. Owen returns from adding a forgotten fabric-softener sheet to the dryer.

04.19.2000
04.19.2000
D

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2-17
Recap

How To Make A Quilt Out Of Americans

How To Make A Quilt Out Of Americans - A demon cloud that takes the form of the disembodied head of Michael Jackson (if only!) demands to know, "WHO SUMMONED ME?" The old ladies are humbled by Cheeto's presence. He wants to know what they want.

04.05.2000
04.05.2000
D

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2-16
Recap

Murphy's Luck

Murphy's Luck - A St. Patrick's Day issue? What rag is this -- Highlights for Children? He expositions that Ms. Murphy is "the unluckiest woman in San Francisco. And she's Irish. Down the hall where they do the writing, they call that irony." (That's funny; down the hall at MBTV, the writers call that contrivance.)

03.29.2000
03.29.2000

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2-15
Recap

Give Me A Sign

Give Me A Sign - Jessup (played by special guest star Antonio Sabato, Jr.), stands up, muscles rippling. He’s confused, because he thought his hearing was next week. Bane looks intently at them and realizes, "I’ve never seen you guys before." The guards enter his cell anyway, and the men strip down to form a Sabato sandwich. Oh, my bad. I only thought I was inadvertently watching a gay porn video.

02.23.2000
02.23.2000
D

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2-14
Recap

Pardon My Past

Pardon My Past - Prue invites Pheebs downstairs for a study break. Phoebe can’t, because she has "too many phobias" -- to learn! Yuk yuk yuk. Not.

02.16.2000
02.16.2000
D

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2-13
Recap

Animal Pragmatism

Animal Pragmatism - UC Berkeley? Could Phoebe have possibly been accepted? What college is this?

02.09.2000
02.09.2000
D

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2-12
Recap

Awakened

Awakened - Piper believes that the club might be over the "occupancy limit" and starts throwing a little fit. We see a blurry POV shot of frat-boy two-stepping extras, and Piper collapses onto the floor.

02.03.2000
02.03.2000
D

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2-11
Recap

Reckless Abandon

Reckless Abandon - Prue had no idea her sister could knit. Word -- where does Piper find the time to run a business and keep house for her sisters and date the next-door neighbor, in addition to maintaining a crystal meth lab in the basement to supply the energy to perform all of these tasks?

01.26.2000
01.26.2000
D

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2-10
Recap

Heartbreak City

Heartbreak City - Ah, welcome to the great big eugenics experiment that is Aaron Spelling television programming. Only the white, straight and toothsome need apply.

01.19.2000
01.19.2000
D

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2-9
Recap

Ms. Hellfire

Ms. Hellfire - Prue whines that she needs "another me" because she doesn’t even have time "to have fun anymore." I hear ya, sister.

01.12.2000
01.12.2000

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2-8
Recap

P3 H2O

P3 H2O - Wow! Those Halliwells! They put the "We Can" back in Wiccan! They surely do!

12.08.1999
12.08.1999
D

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2-7
Recap

They're Everywhere

They're Everywhere - This week our hopes that Dan and Jack turn out to be warlocks or rather, Man Witches (tm bluegirl) are dashed, the running time is padded by characters saying things twice saying things twice, and Piper starts to do Owen’s recapping for him.

11.17.1999
11.17.1999

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2-6
Recap

That Old Black Magic

That Old Black Magic - Freud's eternal rest was disturbed once again this week, as the Halliwell girls are commissioned to teach a teenage boy how to use his -- ahem -- wand. And it's up to us to decide which is lamer -- the blatant Blair Witch Project parody/rip-off or the Dan-Piper-Leo love triangle.

11.10.1999
11.10.1999
D

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2-5
Recap

She's A Man, Baby, A Man!

She's A Man, Baby, A Man! - Piper tells her to have sweet dreams, but not to kill anyone. Prue looks perplexed. Piper tells her not to ask. Word.

11.03.1999
11.03.1999

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2-4
Recap

The Devil's Music

The Devil's Music - The Ps open their nightclub, where Jenny gets eaten by a demon. Woo hoo! But the Halliwells save her. Khan! Also, the band Dishwalla is relentlessly shilled for an hour. I'm not saying anything subliminal was going on, but after the episode aired I blacked out for two hours and woke up with both of their albums and the Pie Fucker soundtrack (tm Wing) in my hand. And my clothes were on backwards. Just kidding about that last part.

10.20.1999
10.20.1999
D

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2-3
Recap

The Painted World

The Painted World - This week, Prue and Piper get trapped in an oil painting, a plot I enjoyed much more when it was released in theaters as The Witches. And Phoebe casts a spell that turns her magically from moron to plain idiot (tm tigerlily). How can we tell? There's about twenty percent less blithering.

10.13.1999
10.13.1999

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2-2
Recap

Morality Bites

Morality Bites - I have to admit, grudgingly, that this was a pretty entertaining episode. The Halliwells travel ten years into the future where Phoebe’s a martyr, Piper’s a mommy, and Prue continues to be another kind of "mother."

10.06.1999
10.06.1999
D

admin

2-1
Recap

Witch Trial

Witch Trial - A demon, who looks like a mini-Tim Curry devil from the flick Legend, appears, steals the book, and disappears. Prue holds up her hand to throw attitude, but stops. Piper asks what the hell that was. Phoebe wonders where the BoS is. Prue is nonplused. Piper bitches, "So much for being demon-free."

09.29.1999
09.29.1999
D

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1-22
Recap

Groundhog Slay

Deja Vu All Over Again - The Ps have to relive the same day over and over until Andy dies. Well, that's what it amounts to, anyway. But it's surprisingly good, and it's got David Carradine! No, really!

05.25.1999
05.29.1999
A+

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1-17
Recap

That Plot Hole Episode

That '70s Episode - And yet, despite the aforementioned plot holes and the mind-bending continuity errors and the painfully bad special effects, this is one of the best episodes they've ever produced. Why? Jennifer Rhodes and Finola Hughes bitch at each other. A lot.

04.06.1999
04.10.1999
B+

admin

1-16
Recap

Once, Twice, Three Times A Ball-Buster

Which Prue Is It Anyway? - Prue's got a target on her back, so she casts a Multiplicity-esque spell. Three Pipers would be merely annoying, while three Phoebes would be torture. But three Prues? Shockingly amusing.

03.02.1999
03.06.1999
B

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1-15
Recap

Get Down! Woogy Oogy Oogy!

Is There A Woogy In The House? - Yeah, that pun's bad, but it's no worse than the first ten minutes of the episode. Things pick up, though, when Phoebe turns evil, and we also get our first look at Grams. I know, I know. "Turns"?

02.23.1999
02.27.1999
B

admin

1-12
Recap

And On This Week's Bastardization Theater...

The Wendigo - Piper's attacked by a creature that's sort of like a werewolf. As a result, she gets hairier. Phoebe and Prue are sidetracked into thinking they're on Touched By An Angel, but recover in time to save the day. And Phoebe gets a job! Don't worry, it doesn't last.

02.02.1999
02.06.1999
C+

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1-9
Recap

"What's a zoo?"

The Witch Is Back - AAAAAAUUUUUUGH. A dizzy blonde with an impressive push-up bra pops into the Manor for a visit, claiming to be the Glamorous Ladies' great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandmother. I'd suggest she pull the other one, but she's actually telling the truth. Go figure.

12.15.1998
12.19.1998
B-

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1-8
Recap

Ow! Quit it. Ow! Quit it.

The Truth Is Out There And It Hurts - The Twinkle-Toed Tinkle Of Wacky Wiccan Hijinks invades Demian's apartment to rummage through his roommate's stash of porn. No, Demian doesn't understand it, either. Just go with it.

11.24.1998
11.29.1998
B+

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1-7
Recap

The Transspecies Bisexual Menace

The Fourth Sister - Phoebe gets in touch with her "alternative" side with the help of a nose-picking Goth princess, and molests a plant. It's gross, but I never did understand the appeal of that whole girl-on-girl-on-geranium thing, anyway.

11.17.1998
11.21.1998
C+

admin

1-6
Recap

The Episode From Hell

The Wedding From Hell - Wow! Sucky!

11.10.1998
11.15.1998
A+

admin

1-5
Recap

Stars shining bright above you

Dream Sorcerer - Night breezes seem to whisper, "I love you, but I'm going to invade your sleep, tart you up like a 1940s contract player from the RKO lot, swing you around in a ghastly approximation of a foxtrot, and then fling your screaming body from a parapet on the ninetieth floor of a Deco skyscraper." Ain't love grand?

11.03.1998
11.07.1998
A

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1-4
Recap

I screw dead people.

Dead Man Dating - Piper's predilection for the dearly departed finally manifests itself when she falls for an affable murder victim who enjoys Cantonese cooking, molecular biology, French existentialists, and long walks on the beach. Elsewhere, Phoebe annoys, and Prue prepares to audition for Puppetry Of The Penis.

10.27.1998
10.31.1998
C+

admin

1-3
Recap

Shape of...a smackdown!

Thank You For Not Morphing - Daddy Dearest Version 1.0 blows into town to "save" his "little girls" from the Power of Three. For his troubles, he gets smacked into a wall by Prue. We love her.

10.20.1998
10.24.1998
B-

admin

1-2
Recap

Piper Halliwell graduates! Piper Halliwell graduates!

I've Got You Under My Skin - Not really, but she does cross the threshold of a church without bursting into flame. Wish the same could be said for Liza's new husband. Ba-dum-bump. Lord, that joke is tired -- almost as tired as Liza! Um, anyway. Oh, yeah! Andy's naked! Naked men! It's summer! Whee!

10.13.1998
10.17.1998
B+

admin

1-1
Recap

Something Bitchy This Way Comes

Something Wicca This Way Comes - And it's in the form of the Original Glamorous Ladies of Halliwell Manor! Join Demian as he takes a trip down mammary lane with this series-premiere episode of Charmed. Come on! It'll be fun! Guys? Seriously! Guys? Innyone?

10.06.1998
10.10.1998
B+

admin

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