7th Heaven

Ep.

Title

Air/Pub'l

Grade

Author

11-22
Recap

And Away They Blow...

And Away We Go… - Because someone at the CW was under the impression that the audience for this show hadn't left it a long time ago, 7th Heaven was brought back from cancellation for one last crappy season. But now it's finally over...we think. RevCam, fresh from his miraculous, if nonsensical, recovery from a terminal heart condition, decides to abandon the church and community he's devoted his life to in favor of driving in an RV with a bunch of random people.

05.12.2007
05.18.2007
D

admin

10-22
Recap

And Thank You

And Thank You - 7th Heaven leaves our airwaves with a show about Simon not marrying his fiancée no one except Annie likes, and all the Camden kids coming back, in one form or another, to see it and announce that they're pregnant with twins that are sure to make the ensuing reunion movies doubly creepy.

05.07.2006
05.13.2006

admin

9-22
Recap

You Can't Always Get What You Want

Mi Familia, Part II - Simon gets pre-engaged. Mary gets divorced. Lucy gets a house. Martin gets wood. Martin's Dad gets a horrible new family. Some annoying kids get foster parents. This stupid show gets at least one more season to disgust and horrify us all.

05.22.2005
05.28.2005

admin

9-21
Recap

Mi Familia Es Horrible

Mi Familia, Part I - At least, that's what Mary thinks. So she files for divorce, gives up her son, and refuses to talk to the Camdens or actually appear on the show. On the other side of the country, supposed minister RevCam tricks Asslee's dad into adopting four children, while Simon's refusal to have sex turns into a marriage proposal.

05.15.2005
05.19.2005
D+

admin

9-20
Recap

Take a Flying Leap

Leaps Of Faith - A potentially good storyline about sickle cell anemia is ruined when it is turned into a redemption song for a deadbeat dad. Simon gets born again. Paris and Vic's new child is about to be born. Better marry them off quick!

05.08.2005
05.14.2005
D+

admin

9-19
Recap

Dorothea Lange Spins In Her Grave

Hungry - Annie buys Ruthie a secondhand jacket. Kevin tells the world about the state of his and Lucy's sex life. Glenoak is suddenly teeming with people who can't afford to eat because they spend all their money on jewelry and clothes. You're supposed to feel sorry for them.

05.01.2005
05.07.2005
F

admin

9-18
Recap

Honor Thy Agent

Honor Thy Mother - …or, like Melissa Gilbert, Bo Derek, and Louise Fletcher learned, he'll book you on this crappy show. Ruthie gets dumped, Ben makes yet another surprise visit, and Annie forces everyone to pretend that a yellow cake is chocolate.

04.24.2005
04.29.2005
D+

admin

9-17
Recap

You Can't Spell "Exposit" Without S-E-X

Tangled Web We Weaved - As we will hear third-hand from various other characters throughout the episode, Simon may or may not have gotten an STD. In fifth-hand news, Mary's husband may or may not know that she may or may not have left him and their child.

02.27.2005
03.05.2005
F

admin

9-16
Recap

Brotherly Misunderstandings

Brotherly Love - Everyone takes SamVid's word for it that Simon has gotten his girlfriend pregnant. SamVid know this because they heard the CamRents talking about it. I'll remind you that half of SamVid is probably deaf, and let you guess how well that all turned out.

02.20.2005
02.26.2005
C-

admin

9-15
Recap

Songs In The Key Of Terrible

Red Socks - Proving that even the crappiest thing on television can still get crappier, the Camdens spend Valentine's Day breaking into song.

02.13.2005
02.19.2005
F

admin

9-14
Recap

There's A First Time For Everything

First Date - Ruthie goes out on her first "real" date, and everyone else in the CamPound goes insane, making Ruthie actually seem likable and cool by comparison.

02.06.2005
02.12.2005
C+

admin

9-13
Recap

Art Is Subjective

The Fine Art Of Parenting - Lucy and Kevin fight over whether or not they should move out of the CamPound. Ruthie indirectly asks out a boy whose parents never learned how to parent, because they never went to church.

01.30.2005
02.05.2005

admin

9-12
Recap

Big Big Shop of Horrors

Paper Or Plastic? - Lucy's baby finally escapes from the womb, only to be rewarded for her efforts with the name "Savannah" and a family full of creepy Camdens. No wonder the afterbirth apparently decided to just stay in the uterus.

01.23.2005
01.29.2005
F

admin

9-11
Recap

A Sphincter Says What?

Wayne’s World - "What?" says Lucy. "What?" says Martin. "What?" says Ruthie. "What?" says Wayne Newton.

11.28.2004
12.04.2004
C-

admin

9-10
Recap

Thanks for Nothing

Gratitude - Lucy and her baby are in danger…but they both end up being fine. Simon is going to tell his parents about his pregnant girlfriend, which is sure to make them very, very upset…but it turns out she's not pregnant after all. RevCam, under the influence of drugs, drives with Annie and the twins…but doesn't get in a fatal car accident. Ruthie's finally back in her homeland, Puerto Rico…but she seems determined to return to Glenoak. Damn.

11.21.2004
11.28.2004
C-

admin

9-9
Recap

Cornucopia of Crazy

Thanksgiving - Annie's looking forward to the first Thanksgiving in years with all the CamKids around. Unfortunately, everyone has plans to be elsewhere, which may have something to do with the fact that their mother is insane and therefore not very fun to spend time with. Meanwhile, Lucy proves that the crazy apple pandowdy doesn't fall far from the tree.

11.14.2004
11.20.2004
A+

admin

9-8
Recap

Fostering Failure, Adopting Apathy

Why Not Me? - Simon gets kicked out of campus housing, sending RevCam off on yet another Helping People Without Actually Helping Anyone Crusade. But first, he has to teach Kevin a lesson about what a crappy father he'll be.

10.31.2004
11.06.2004
F

admin

9-7
Recap

Another Episode About Dead Soldiers

Regret To Inform - A Marine dies just in time to stop Martin from escaping the CamPound. Honestly, I'm starting to wonder if this is Brenda's subversive way of telling us, right before the election, how wrong and needlessly destructive the "War on Terror" is.

10.24.2004
10.30.2004
F

admin

9-6
Recap

Father, Why Bother?

Fathers - The show that takes every opportunity to tell us how great Martin's dad is for abandoning his son to fight in Iraq devotes an episode to teaching us about the importance of a father being involved in his child's life. This is especially true when the mother is prone to fifteen-hour shopping excursions.

10.17.2004
10.23.2004
D+

admin

9-5
Recap

Bold Stance

Vote - In an episode all about the upcoming presidential elections, Brenda manages to avoid offending any of her viewers' delicate sensibilities by refusing to name any of the candidates or political parties that the various Camdens support. Right, like anyone who watches this show votes Democrat.

10.10.2004
10.16.2004
A

admin

9-4
Recap

Pregnant cause

Bad Boys, Bad Boys, Whatcha Gonna Do - RevCam and Annie save an uneducated, unemployed teenage couple from giving up their unplanned, unwanted baby for adoption. Whew! Close one!

10.03.2004
10.09.2004

admin

9-3
Recap

The Crap Miner's Daughter

The Song Of Lucy - Lucy sings about being a coal miner's daughter, then writes her first sermon as the church's new Associate Pastor. Ruthie wants to date a tween idol who, at sixteen, is pretty much over-the-hill as far as that goes. Simon goes to therapy. Annie is surprisingly sane. RevCam is a tool.

09.26.2004
10.02.2004
C-

admin

9-2
Recap

Laid

The Best Laid Plans - Lucy reveals that she's scared about being a mother. Simon reveals that he's been having pre-marital sex, and a lot of it. RevCam reveals that he's incapable of accepting behavior that doesn't fall under his rigid set of morals. Although we knew that last one already.

09.19.2004
09.25.2004
B-

admin

9-1
Recap

Drop This Show

Dropping Trou - It's Season Nine, people. Season NINE. And this goddamn show is on. Unbelievable. In the season premiere, Simon's shirt-buttoning indicates that he could be having the sex; Lucy's pregnant, but acting surprisingly non-crazy about it (we'll see if that lasts); and Ruthie is as evil as ever. But this time, she gets punished.

09.12.2004
09.18.2004
C-

admin

8-23
Recap

Lies, Lies, Lies, Yeah!

Little White Lies, Part II - ...and still, no one really lies. Lots of other stuff happens, though: Invisible Mary has her baby. The CamRents go to see it. Martin and Asslee break up. Matt and PC get back together. Peter and Ruthie break up, then get back together. Chandler makes out with his adopted kid's tutor. Simon comes home. Roxanne goes to the Iraq in the Middle East, next to Iran. Lucy's pregnant. God help us all.

05.16.2004
05.22.2004
D+

admin

8-22
Recap

Tell Me Lies, Tell Me Sweet Little Lies

Little White Lies, Part I - Or not; only one lie is told in this entire episode. Matt and Simon are back, as is Mary, who will remain neither seen nor heard, even though she's giving birth. Ruthie might be going to Mexico for a year. Please let this happen. Please. Please.

05.09.2004
05.15.2004
C-

admin

8-21
Recap

Refugee Camp Kwitcherbitchin'

Lost And Found - Everyone whines about issues so petty that they don't even deserve to be called problems. Then Ruthie and Peter meet the Lost Boys, and RevCam, in his infinite smugness, realizes that his life is way better than theirs, so he shouldn't take it for granted. Annie spends the entire episode cooking, like the good little wife she is.

05.02.2004
05.08.2004

admin

8-20
Recap

High

High And Dry - ...is what you'll need to be to get through this episode, in which we learn, over and over and over and over again, that drinking is bad and wrong, even if it's in moderation and done by legal adults.

04.25.2004
05.01.2004

admin

8-19
Recap

For Stale By Owner

There’s No Place Like It - Lucy and Kevin engage in a bidding war with Chandler and his boyfriend -- er, "son" -- over a house that isn't even worth the asking price. Smart. RevCam and Annie decide to use their pitifully small savings to buy the CamPound. Smarter. Peter suspects his dad is dating Aunt Julie. Smartest. Also, Roxanne is a bottle blonde.

04.18.2004
04.24.2004
D+

admin

8-19
Extra

Chainsaws Don't Kill People; People Kill People

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre - Jessica Biel stars in a movie about the one family that may be more dysfunctional than the Camdens.

04.14.2004
04.14.2004
D+

admin

8-18
Recap

I Dream of Weenie

Angel - Chandler dreams about dancing Glenoakians, then decides to adopt a child. Annie spreads a bizarre, almost definitely drug-induced form of joy around town as a way of "mourning" her father. That's right: it is the worst episode of the worst show on television ever. Watch, and never be the same again.

02.29.2004
03.06.2004
F

admin

8-17
Recap

Li'l Orphan Annie

Two Weddings, An Engagement, And A Funeral - Annie's dad finally dies, and no one else cares. Maybe it's because no one else on this show is related to him anymore. In other news, Mrs. Bink ties the knot with the lamest guy ever, and Brenda Hampton's bizarre obsession with retarded people continues.

02.22.2004
02.28.2004

admin

8-16
Recap

Incestual Healing

The Anniversary - Couples act like family members, and family member act like couples. Just a normal day in family-values-rich Glenoak.

02.15.2004
02.21.2004
C-

admin

8-15
Recap

Illin'

Don’t Speak Ill Of The Dead Or Of The Living - Peter and Ruthie "speak ill" of George Washington and Abraham Lincoln in an actually creative and interesting school project. Kevin and Lucy "speak ill" of Roxanne and Det. Michaels when they assume that the two are secretly dating. Martin's friend Mac "speaks ill" of Asslee's friend Pam by not dating her because she wet her pants ten years ago and no one has let her forget it since. The actor who plays Annie's dad was ill, but now he's one of "the dead," although since this show has yet to acknowledge that, we're supposed to think he's still among "the living." And Annie is ill in the head.

02.08.2004
02.14.2004

admin

8-14
Recap

Soldier Boy

Healing Old Wounds - Martin's dad, the Marine, comes home. He's supposed to talk to Martin about going to college instead of playing professional baseball, but winds up making out with Roxanne. Whoops!

01.25.2004
01.31.2004
F

admin

8-13
Recap

Ruthie's World! Party Time! Excellent!

Major League - Ruthie wants to party, Martin wants to play pro ball, Lucy wants to annoy her mother greatly, and Chandler wants to stab his mother repeatedly.

01.18.2004
01.22.2004
F

admin

8-12
Recap

Love conquers all

The Prodigal Father - If you have an aversion to saccharine, rose-coloured portrayals of mentally handicapped people as simple creatures full of goodness and wisdom, avoid the last fifteen minutes of this episode. If you have an aversion to bad acting and terrible dialogue, this episode may have been fatal.

01.11.2004
01.17.2004
F

admin

8-11
Recap

Bad Happens

When Bad Conversations Happen To Good People - Matt comes home to tell his parents that he failed at marriage and school. Ruthie breaks a cookie jar and frames the twins, who have enough to deal with without getting blamed for her stuff, like the fact that they don't know how to use underwear. Richard Lewis guest-stars yet again. Annie withholds judgment and baked potatoes.

01.04.2004
01.08.2004

admin

8-11
Extra

RevCam's Secret Past

The Babysitter’s Seduction - Before he got saddled with a naggy haggy wife and seven crappy kids, RevCam was a mass-murdering cradle-robber in this TV movie.

12.29.2003
12.29.2003

admin

8-10
Recap

Matt Is Still Stupid

The One Thing - To what should be no one's surprise, Matt isn't a very competent doctor, despite his proficiency at blood-drawing and intubating. The regular cast phones its performance in, both figuratively and literally.

11.23.2003
12.01.2003
C-

admin

8-9
Recap

Missing: Alice, and Eleven Cast Members

Go Ask Alice - RevCam messes with the wrong principal when he takes on Mizzz Jones, so he turns his attention towards the one family that might be more dysfunctional than his own. Meanwhile, the love triangle between Martin, Asslee, and RevCam gets even more complicated when Martin and Asslee have a fight. We see blessedly little of the rest of the cast.

11.16.2003
11.22.2003
C+

admin

8-8
Recap

Sleepover Madness

Baggage (a.k.a. Out Of The Past) - This week's fascinating episode focuses on sleepovers. Paris wants Chandler to spend the night with her, but he spends it with Roxanne instead. Don't worry, virginity enthusiasts -- he's still as pure as driven snow. Peter spends the night at the CamPound, because it's healthy for thirteen-year-old couples to have sleepover parties. Lucy most likely spends a night locked in her bathroom because she's mad at Kevin, and Ruthie's mad because Asslee might as well sleep at the Camdens', since she's around so darn much.

11.09.2003
11.15.2003
A

admin

8-7
Recap

Annie's BlocKKK Party

Getting To Know You - What better way to deal with a neighborhood full of bigots than to give them a block party so as to facilitate the handing out of white power literature?

11.02.2003
11.08.2003
D+

admin

8-6
Recap

A Muslim In Need Is A Friend Indeed

Charity Begins At Home - RevCam tells everyone to stop being so damn selfish and help someone else for a change. Various cast members respond by performing self-serving "good" deeds, like volunteering at a youth group for the sole purpose of seeing an ex-girlfriend, or making a new son-in-law fly across country for a sandwich. Ruthie the Good Christian helps and befriends all the lonely Muslim girls, for they surely cannot do it themselves.

10.19.2003
10.25.2003
B

admin

8-5
Recap

Of Camdens

Simon’s Home Video (a.k.a. The Kid Is Out Of The Picture) - 7th Heaven outdoes even itself in sheer boring and terrible television, in a clip show with no clips and even less sense.

10.12.2003
10.18.2003

admin

8-4
Recap

St. Martin of Ass-kissy

I Wasn’t Expecting That! - Brenda Hampton takes a big risk by appealing to the majority of America's pro-military sentiment with new character Martin, who apparently thinks that having a dad stationed in Iraq entitles him to break into other people's homes and eat their food. Meanwhile, Kevin gets emasculated in the line of duty, and Simon desperately appeals to his family for some affection before he goes to college. And guest star Richard Lewis provides us with the most disgusting thing in television history when he makes out with Annie.

10.05.2003
10.11.2003

admin

8-3
Recap

Secrets Revealed

PK (a.k.a. Preacher’s Kid) - It turns out that Det. Michaels has a whole life outside of the Camdens, containing such potentially arresting (forgive the pun) drama as divorce, a son who abandons his own child, and undercover work. Of course, the show focuses more on Kevin babysitting and Simon getting help from a network of preacher's kids to go to college early than any of that, with some stuff about Chandler dating up a storm with the weird women who attend his church thrown in for good measure.

09.28.2003
10.03.2003

admin

8-2
Recap

Blah, Blah, Black Sheep

An Early Fall - Mary's back for a contractually obliged visit. Even though she obviously hates and/or resents her oldest daughter, Annie arranges a "family" dinner to celebrate. The possibility of free food and drama attracts the entire town to the festivities. Then Mary announces that she's married to a man who used to be homeless, and everyone's appetite is ruined. Simon expresses his desire to go to a distant college in the near future. Simon and Asslee and Roxanne and Chandler break up for good. Unfortunately, Peter and Ruthie are still going strong. Even more unfortunately, Mary and Carlos figured out how to breed, and a second-generation CamSpawn is on the way.

09.21.2003
09.26.2003
F

admin

8-1
Recap

The Long Bad Show

The Long Bad Summer (1) - The eighth season starts in style as all of last season's cliffhangers are wrapped up with boring exposition dialogue, thereby rendering any time you might have spent caring about them over the summer a complete waste. Lucy's not pregnant, the "death" we were promised last season turned out to be some guy we never heard of before, we never find out if Chandler and Roxanne had sex, and Mary is still stupid.

09.14.2003
09.19.2003
B-

admin

7-22
Recap

Die already

Life And Death, Part II - Lucy may be pregnant. Xtina may be a hooker, or may have a heart of gold. In the CamVerse, it can't be both. Either way, Simon can't take her to the prom. We never see him make up with Cecilia. Chandler confronts his dying father. Ruthie tells everyone about getting her period. Mary and Robbie are back, but does anyone really care?

05.18.2003
05.20.2003

admin

7-21
Recap

Cycles

Life And Death, Part I - Barry and wife are expecting a kid -- or are they? Ruthie got her period -- or did she? Chandler...Hampton's dad is really nice -- or is he? Mary has a cell phone. She really does. Plus, this new girl, Christina, moves in and puts the moves on Simon.

05.11.2003
05.12.2003

admin

7-20
Recap

Dick sucks!

Dick - Peter still hates Dick, who intends to marry Peter's mom. Chandler has to marry a few couples in Eric's stead. One half of one of the couples is special guest star Mayim Bialik. Cecilia's parents want to be married by Eric, too. It's just a big old wedding theme. "Old" being the operative word, as Lucy just got married two weeks ago.

05.04.2003
05.06.2003
F

admin

7-19
Recap

Take Back Your Bink

That Touch Of Bink (1) - Eric takes the pulpit, only to have the roof fall in on his pointy head. Lo, let there be fundraising. Special guest Eileen Brennan is the best little fundraiser in Glenoak. Her technique? Blackmailing everyone in town. Lucy and Kevin are still disgustingly happy. Plus, Peter's mom's new beau is, um, a freak. And not in a good way.

04.27.2003
05.03.2003

admin

7-18
Recap

We Do

We Do - It's the long-awaited wedding episode where Lucy signs over her life to the scary T-1000. From the stupid "will the guests arrive in time" subplot to the not-at-all-surprising "surprise" guest, this "special" 150th episode sure is one big snoozefest.

04.20.2003
04.23.2003
C-

admin

7-17
Recap

High Anxiety

High Anxiety - Simon and Asslee get kicked out of a kiddy flick for making out. RevCam and SuperMom try to help the Hamiltons, with truly dull results. Roxanne threatens to quit the police force after her father shoots the man who murdered her mother. Lucy threatens to quit school so she can plan her wedding, but Kevin sets her straight.

02.23.2003
03.02.2003
F

admin

7-16
Recap

Stand down

Stand Up - Lucy's wedding becomes a battleground for Annie and Eric's churchy issues. Of course, Eric decides to return to the church. Anything to shut his family up. Plus, Simon catches a thief at his new job, and Ben loses a rescue dog.

02.16.2003
02.18.2003
D+

admin

7-15
Recap

I Love Lucy

I Love Lucy - Kevin finally proposes to Lucy while their families look on. Chandler proposes to a mirror and then almost proposes to Roxanne, but she tells him to wait. Ben makes out with Peter's mom.

02.09.2003
02.15.2003
F

admin

7-14
Recap

Smoking

Smoking - It doesn't matter what the individual plotlines are about. All you really need to know is that smoking is bad for you, and that Brenda thinks all smokers are stupid and rude. Oh, and that Jason London is way hotter than Jeremy London.

02.02.2003
02.09.2003
A+

admin

7-13
Recap

It's Not Always About You

It’s Not Always About You - The thirteenth episode of the season is totally unlucky -- for the viewers. Simon gets to date Cecilia, but only if he agrees to keep it in his pants. RevCam goes to therapy some more, and Annie joins him. The T-1000 becomes more abusive than ever when Lucy tries to get out of jury duty.

01.26.2003
02.01.2003

admin

7-12
Recap

Back In The Saddle Again

Back In The Saddle Again - Ruthie meets an upbeat girl with cystic fibrosis who inspires her to beat everyone senseless with this week's theme mallet. Simon succeeds in getting Cecilia's father to allow him to date her again. RevCam's therapist tells him to quit feeling sorry for himself. Roxanne becomes the new Lucy.

01.19.2003
01.25.2003

admin

7-11
Recap

Sunday

Sunday - Chandler and Roxanne daringly hold hands on their first date. Lucy would stalk them, but she can't find anyone who'd like to accompany her. RevCam writes an erotic novel that gets Annie all hot and bothered. No such problems for Simon and Cecilia. While they do decide to have sex, they also decide to discuss it with their parents first. This pretty much guarantees them a nookie-free future.

01.05.2003
01.12.2003
F

admin

7-10
Recap

Ushering in the crap

A Cry For Help - Eric Camden becomes a DJ at a college radio station for, like, an hour, and saves someone who thinks suicide is a solution. Usher, on a break from selling Twix cookie bars, guest-stars as his producer, who sneakily hired Eric to lure him back to helping people. Not to rescue the suicidal kid. Seriously, that's what came out of Usher's own mouth. His agenda was to help the preacher mired in self-pity, not the kid who wanted to off himself. Swear to you-know-who.

11.24.2002
11.25.2002
D+

admin

7-9
Recap

Lost Lunch

Lost Souls - The scene? A pool hall hosting a honky-tonk country band. The players? The Camden family, plus Roxanne and Cecilia. The premise? Find Lucy. She's having a picnic in the church with the new pastor. And where oh where is Reverend Camden's faith? He's lost that as well; he "quits" the "God business" and doesn't want to help anyone anymore. A little neighbor boy finds lust in the form of Ruthie, but is lost from his house just down the street. Get it? It's a theme. Other things that were lost during this episode include various lunches, marbles, sense, minds, and "it."

11.17.2002
11.19.2002
D+

admin

7-8
Recap

Under Pressure

Peer Pressure - Eric pressures Rabbi Richard Lewis to spy on Rev Lite with him. Lucy pressures Simon to spy on Kevin and Roxanne. Ruthie pressures a little Muslim girl into defying her religion and wearing make-up and obsessing over boys with her. Ruthie's boyfriend pressures her into being in an "exclusive relationship," because a girl is pressuring him to go to party and he can't say no on his own. Get it? There's pressure.

11.10.2002
11.12.2002
D+

admin

7-8
Extra

Freaks And Greeks

Sorority Boys - Frat brothers Barry Watson, Michael Rosenbaum, and the rapidly aging Harland Williams dress as women and live in a sorority house, thereby making the show Bosom Buddies seem creative and intriguing by comparison.

11.08.2002
11.08.2002

admin

7-7
Recap

Gabrielle Come Blow

Gabrielle Come Blow Your Horn - RevCam is still laid up, but domestic help comes in the form of Phyllis Diller, playing a housekeeper. Irony, thy name is SevHev. Also, Lucy misunderstands something and gets really mad at Kevin, and Simon is steamed because Cecilia has a hot French boyfriend. You like French guys?

11.03.2002
11.04.2002
C

admin

7-6
Recap

Regarding Eric

Regarding Eric - Everyone is forced to regard Eric as he whines and gripes, ad nauseam, about feeling useless while he's recovering from heart surgery. Simon decides he's in love with Cecilia. Ben promises to leave. Lucy almost redeems herself by helping a developmentally challenged man join a theater company.

10.20.2002
10.27.2002
C+

admin

7-5
Recap

The Heart Of The Matter

The Heart Of The Matter - While Eric undergoes open-heart surgery, his vile family (and assorted hangers-on) gather at the hospital and pretend to offer their support. In actuality, they're all obsessed with their own petty, selfish little concerns. If Eric were smart, he'd fake his own death and ditch this entire pack of losers.

10.13.2002
10.21.2002

admin

7-4
Recap

Bowling For Eric

Bowling For Eric - Eric learns he must have open-heart surgery. In lieu of informing his family, he forces them to go bowling and lies to them repeatedly. Kevin glistens.

10.06.2002
10.08.2002
F

admin

7-3
Recap

Monkey lov-ah!

The Enemy Within - Ben reads Lucy's diary, and it puts him to sleep. Mary keeps in touch from off-camera. Captain Smith's father the real estate mogul, played by Pat Boone, shows up and upsets the Camdens. Ruthie takes a bullet for interspecies relationship rights.

09.29.2002
10.02.2002
D+

admin

7-2
Recap

Simon, Portrait of a Teenage Prostitute

Monkey Business Deux (2) - Everyone agrees not to speak to Mary about Captain Jack, but they do anyway. This causes her to move to Ft. Lauderdale with him and basically leave the show temporarily. Simon's dating service gets shut down, but not without a potential paternity suit on the way.

09.22.2002
09.29.2002
D+

admin

7-1
Recap

Monkey Business (1)

Monkey Business (1) - Mary finds an older boyfriend, and everyone gets on her case because of it. Kevin and Lucy fight like mad, but, unfortunately, they don't kill each other. Simon becomes a paid escort, and Lucy unveils the ugliest hairstyle known to man.

09.15.2002
09.22.2002
C

admin

6-22
Recap

Holy War, Part II

Holy War, Part II - Dopey bids farewell to Glenoak, but not before subjecting us to a whole bunch of macho patriarchal posturing. Oh, and a really boring fake wedding.

05.19.2002
05.26.2002

admin

6-21
Recap

Holy War, Part I

Holy War, Part I - RevCam and Rabbi Richard conspire to ruin their children's wedding, while Mary turns down the chance to have a wedding of her own. Disaster is averted as Lucy finds a date for the reception just in time.

05.12.2002
05.19.2002
C+

admin

6-20
Recap

The Known Soldier

The Known Soldier - The real-life story of a Marine's tragic death in Afghanistan is detailed in a tedious, trite, and unwatchable form. Thank you, Staff Sgt. Dwight J. Morgan. Brenda Hampton? Not so much.

05.05.2002
05.09.2002
D+

admin

6-19
Recap

Letting Go

Letting Go - RevCam needs to learn the importance of letting go of his children so they can live their own lives. Brenda obliges by creating an episode that's so saccharine and theme-heavy that it nearly causes Cate to "let go" of her lunch.

04.28.2002
05.05.2002
C

admin

6-18
Recap

The Ring

The Ring - Dopey gives his whiny bride an engagement ring as fake as their engagement. Mary gets back together with hunky firefighter Ben, while Lucy harasses airline security personnel and gets with Ben's equally hunky brother.

04.21.2002
04.28.2002
A

admin

6-17
Recap

Lip Service

Lip Service - It's the Camdens vs. the Glasses at the most uncomfortable dinner party ever. Elsewhere, Lucy and Mary descend further into stupidity than anybody thought possible.

04.14.2002
04.19.2002
C-

admin

6-16
Recap

I Really Did

I Really Did - Dopey's married, though the jury's still out on whether he's given the bride his flower. He and Mrs. Dopey lie like demons to their respective families, telling everyone that they're merely engaged. Simon and Lucy get a little too close for anyone's comfort.

03.03.2002
03.10.2002
D+

admin

6-15
Recap

I Really Don't

I Really Do - Dopey meets the new orderly, and proposes to her within twenty-four hours. Everyone else spends the majority of the episode at the front window of the CamPound, staring out into the street, just waiting for Dopey to come home. It's because they miss his scintillating conversation, obviously.

02.24.2002
03.02.2002
F

admin

6-15
Extra

Making The Show

Making The Show - Barry Watson dishes the dirt, Brenda Hampton doles out bribes, and Richard Lewis continues to annoy during MTV's behind-the-scenes look at 7th Heaven.

02.15.2002
02.24.2002

admin

6-14
Recap

Hot Pants

Hot Pants - Lucy and Mary humiliate themselves by stalking their ex-boyfriends. Dopey humiliates himself by stalking his ex-girlfriends. Do you see a pattern developing here?

02.10.2002
02.18.2002
A+

admin

6-13
Recap

Drunk

Drunk - Alcohol is very, very bad. Simon proves it by getting drunk and sloppy, though the fact that he hurls all over Dopey's car sends us mixed messages about the "bad" part. Lucy doesn't even have to drink to prove that alcohol is evil. She does it all just by setting foot in a bar. Bad alcohol. Bad, bad.

02.03.2002
02.10.2002
B+

admin

6-12
Recap

Suspicion

Suspicion - Everyone pitches in to help this week's Tertiary Character In Need: a Muslim girl who's being hassled by bigots. Annie harbors the delusion that her children are making the world a better place.

01.20.2002
01.27.2002
C-

admin

6-11
Recap

Pathetic

Pathetic - Lucy and Mary finally let go of their loser exes, while Annie ditches her loser job. Ruthie confronts the teacher who once called her "stupid." Robbie's semi-comatose brother makes an unwelcome reappearance, but it's probably safe to say we won't be seeing that hunky "New York" firefighter dude anymore.

01.13.2002
01.20.2002
C

admin

6-10
Recap

Consideration

Consideration - Aided and abetted by Grandpa, Simon leads the cops on a low-speed car chase around town. Jeremy demands his engagement ring back from Lucy. Mary wants the local fire chief to hire her, but he's not stupid enough to comply.

12.09.2001
12.18.2001
C+

admin

6-9
Recap

Lost

Lost - Robbie solicits RevCam's advice about his pathetic relationship with Joy. Later, he'll ask for Eric's help in finding Joy's missing brother. Lucy and Mary ask for the CamRents' help in finding them husbands. Dopey and Simon ask to use the twins as props while trying to pick up girls.

11.25.2001
11.27.2001
A

admin

6-8
Recap

Ay Carumba

Ay Carumba - Robbie has to tell his new girlfriend's parents that he's in love with her. The fact that he's only been dating her a week makes that even more ridiculous. The rest of the characters apologize to each other incessantly, although the viewers are still waiting for an apology from the writers who turn out this drivel.

11.18.2001
11.19.2001
D+

admin

6-7
Recap

Prodigal

Prodigal - Mary's return is welcomed by no one but Annie, who takes abusiveness to a new level by banishing the rest of the kids to the unfinished garage apartment. It's pretty fun watching everyone snub Mary, though.

11.11.2001
11.14.2001
A+

admin

6-6
Recap

Broken

Broken - Simon rescues an ex from a potentially disastrous relationship; Robbie helpfully explains the difference between lust and love to Lucy; and Dopey does his limited best to help a Tertiary Character In Need. Did Cate forget to mark off Male Superiority Week on her calendar?

11.04.2001
11.12.2001
C+

admin

6-5
Recap

Relationships

Relationships - Robbie moves forward in his quest to date all the Camdens by embarking on a relationship with Lucy. Dopey and Cheryl break up. Annie gives some bad advice that gets her in trouble with a student's parents. And it goes without saying that the theme mallet is wielded with gleeful abandon.

10.21.2001
10.24.2001
D+

admin

6-4
Recap

Work

Work - Annie accepts a teaching assignment, while Simon fumbles his way out of his customer service job. Dopey wants to think he's a doctor, and Uncle Hank enables him.

10.14.2001
10.15.2001
C-

admin

6-3
Recap

Sympathy

Sympathy - Despite the CamFam's best efforts to meddle in his life, Simon decides to date a pregnant girl. A dorky carpenter threatens to sue the Camdens when he falls off a ladder. Everyone acts vile toward each other, and the theme of the week may have been mentioned once or twice.

10.07.2001
10.10.2001
F

admin

6-2
Recap

Teased

Teased - The CamFam pummels yet another theme beyond recognition. Ruthie receives a nickname even more annoying than she is; a man's prosthetic arm is stolen; Simon tries to change the world.

09.30.2001
10.03.2001
B

admin

6-1
Recap

Changes

Changes - It's all a lie. Nothing much has changed. Dopey has a new job almost identical to his old one. Mary is still in Buffalo. Lucy's back home and single. And everyone is still annoying beyond belief. Oh, Annie is going through menopause, but nobody cares about that anyway.

09.23.2001
09.24.2001
D+

admin

5-23
Extra

Where it all began

I'll Be Home For Christmas - On the set of this fine family film, Jessica Biel and Adam LaVorgna began their romance. That factoid is a lot more interesting than the "plot," I assure you.

11.12.1998
06.17.2001

admin

5-22
Recap

Tying up all the loose and stupid ends

Are (2) - Well, all except one: will Mary move to New York with Wilson or stay in Glenoak with Robbie? That's the slack-jawed freeze-frame decision we're left to ponder. Everyone else gets a tidy story-arc ending that will probably be rescinded in next season's premiere.

05.20.2001
05.27.2001
C-

admin

5-21
Recap

Chances (1)

Chances (1) - The CamRents consider cheating on each other. Mary makes Robbie think she's cheated on him with Lucy's fiance. Yes, fiance. Matt may finally get a chance to get it on. And Simon and Deena do some interacting that no cares about.

05.13.2001
05.20.2001
C

admin

5-20
Recap

Shocking secret

Regrets - Annie's dad had a child out of wedlock. Annie reacts by throwing a tantrum and letting RevCam PromiseKeep her life away.

05.06.2001
05.15.2001
F

admin

5-19
Recap

Virgin

Virgin - Simon finds out that chicks really dig virgins. Could that be why Cheryl is so hot for Dopey? Annie finally snaps from the pressure and turns Eric's life into a living hell.

04.29.2001
05.08.2001
F

admin

5-18
Recap

Mary, Mary, MARY

Apologize - Mary has dinner with her old boyfriend Wilson, and everyone makes a big freaking deal about it. Then some girl named Marie shows up, and she's supposed to look like Mary, so Mary makes a big deal about that. The whole world hinges on phone calls to and from Mary, and we suddenly learn that the Camdens really want Mary to come home, but that she's stubborn, so she won't. The Camden world swirls violently and makes the recapper more disoriented than she usually is on Monday nights.

04.22.2001
05.01.2001
F

admin

5-17
Recap

Still Dopey after all these years

Crazy - A psychiatric evaluation allows Dopey to demonstrate his modest position in the food chain. Of course, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree: Annie finds something incredibly stupid to obsess over, while RevCam harasses a terminally ill man. At least Mary's nowhere to be seen.

04.15.2001
04.19.2001
B+

admin

5-16
Recap

Robbie's in the Thicke of it

Parents - Alan Thicke guest-stars as Robbie's long-lost dad. There's a struggle between Good and Evil as RevCam battles for Robbie's soul -- or at least for his body.

02.25.2001
03.04.2001
C-

admin

5-15
Recap

Sweeps

Sweeps - With most shows, sweeps means extra sex. The Camdens just talk incessantly about a condom. Oh, but there's stalking. There's always stalking.

02.18.2001
02.25.2001
D+

admin

5-14
Recap

Latest love of Lucy's life

V Day - Lucy and Jeremy share a very special, very dysfunctional first date on Valentine's Day. Her parents have given up caring, so they watch home movies and then have sex.

02.11.2001
02.17.2001
D+

admin

5-13
Recap

Kiss

Kiss - Ruthie trains the twins to call her "Mama," which nearly causes a nervous breakdown for Annie. Alleged dreamboat Mike manipulates Lucy into performing his bidding. Dopey is jealous of everyone.

02.04.2001
02.11.2001
F

admin

5-12
Recap

The family that prays together, pries together

One Hundred - Annie takes charge of Johnny's life when he leaves his baby on her doorstep. Lucy solves Mike's problems and cures his mother's catatonia. Matt helps an elderly woman overcome the stress of waiting for mastectomy results.

01.28.2001
01.31.2001
F

admin

5-11
Recap

It's The RevCam 'n' Robbie Show

Home - Mary phones home way too often, and St. Robbie wins over everyone with his shirtless miracles. Lucy and Robbie continue to not date.

01.21.2001
01.24.2001
D+

admin

5-10
Recap

Hard Candy Mary Christmas

Surprise! - It's Christmas time and no one cares about Mary anymore. She's not home to share a turkey with the other heavenly six, and Ruthie won't take her calls. Maybe if she'd put on some more eye shadow.

12.17.2000
01.02.2001

admin

5-9
Recap

Bitch, bitch, bitch

Tunes - Simon tries to be a bad boy; Ruthie struggles to understand why Lucy may not be the best fashion role model; and John finally receives his own plotline, which turns out to be not a very good thing after all.

11.26.2000
12.04.2000
C

admin

5-8
Recap

Mary Kate, Ashley, and their Simon sandwich

Gossip - The Olsen twins play juvenile delinquettes who like to kiss ‘n’ steal.

11.19.2000
11.22.2000
D

admin

5-7
Recap

How do you solve a problem like Mary?

Bye - If you're stupid like the CamRents, you foist her off on relatives so you won't have to deal with her anymore.

11.12.2000
11.15.2000
D

admin

5-6
Recap

Mary Liar Bore

Broke - The CamFam frets all over town as Mary continues on her self-constructed downward-treacherous-spiral road.

11.05.2000
11.07.2000
D

admin

5-5
Recap

Blind

Blind - That's what you'll be if you witness Simon's sad attempts to become "manlier," or Dopey's peculiar triangular 'burns, or Rachel's dreadful excuse for acting, or...well, just about anything else in this episode.

10.29.2000
10.31.2000
D

admin

5-4
Recap

Busted

Busted - Mary turns to go. RevCam asks what she's doing that night. It's Mary's turn to become defensive. She says, "I haven't found another job yet, if that's what you're asking." What? She lost her Pete's Pizza gig already? Damn.

10.22.2000
10.22.2000
D

admin

5-3
Recap

Losers

Losers - Annie asks where Simon's going. "Wherever Lulu will let me take her!" barks Simon. So that's what the kids are calling it…oh, forget it.

10.15.2000
10.15.2000
D

admin

5-2
Recap

Help

Help - The prof attempts a little stand-up routine but it fails miserably. He fares a bit better at hammering home this scene's Important Message, which is that one must study hard in order to be a doctor.

10.08.2000
10.08.2000
D

admin

5-1
Recap

Here We Go Again

Here We Go Again - Ooh…"shacking up"! Shades of Soap in the seventies!

10.01.2000
10.01.2000
D

admin

4-22
Recap

Love Stinks, Part II

Love Stinks, Part II - This episode picks up right where last week's left off, with Mary trying to convince the CamRents that it is a good idea for her to move in with Robbie. Hee! I can't blame her for trying, but even Mary can't be so dense as to think her parents actually will go for this plan.

05.21.2000
05.21.2000

admin

4-21
Recap

Love Stinks, Part I

Love Stinks, Part I - Hey, Annie, maybe you can buy Ruthie some skin-tight t-shirts and shiny black knee boots. Then she can make out with this boy in public while RevCam watches!

05.14.2000
05.14.2000

admin

4-20
Recap

Liar, Liar

Liar, Liar - Those wacky WB promo producers are having fun with the teasers again, trying to make us believe that not only are the Camdens "one of America's favourite families" but also that they are about to be "exposed" in a "Camden family scandal."

05.07.2000
05.07.2000

admin

4-19
Recap

Talk To Me

Talk To Me - She's wearing two coats and has makeup smeared under her eyes. This lets us know that she's a Troubled Youth.

04.30.2000
04.30.2000
D

admin

4-18
Recap

Hoop Dreams

Hoop Dreams - I wonder if I'm up to the challenge of raising my sons with morals in this nation, which has sadly lost sight of the family values that you and I hold dear. I'm glad to have a beacon in the storm. That beacon is 7th Heaven.

04.09.2000
04.09.2000
D

admin

4-17
Recap

Twelve Angry People

Twelve Angry People - I mean, by the time the opening credits and first ads roll around, there won't be any viewers left. Oh, except me, recapping the episode here for you.

02.27.2000
02.27.2000
D

admin

4-16
Recap

Say A Little Prayer For Me

Say A Little Prayer For Me - This episode opens on Mary in denial. She's in the kitchen, telling the all the household but RevCam that Robbie's not a bad guy, that he simply made a mistake.

02.20.2000
02.20.2000
D

admin

4-15
Recap

Loves Me, Loves Me Not

Loves Me, Loves Me Not - To be fair, I'm trying to quit smoking this week, so there are a lot -- a lot -- of things that irritate holy hell out of me right now.

02.13.2000
02.13.2000

admin

4-14
Recap

Words

Words - My VCR broke right after I taped the show for my last summary. (Well, yes, my son did put a toy into the tape slot. However, I’m convinced that he wouldn’t have done so had the show not cursed us beforehand.)

02.06.2000
02.06.2000
D

admin

4-13
Recap

Who Do You Trust?

Who Do You Trust? - After a teaser that won't let us forget the fact that fab Lance Bass from 'N SYNC will be on this episode, we get right to the action.

01.30.2000
01.30.2000

admin

4-12
Recap

All By Myself

All By Myself - Oh my GAWD y’all I am so totally freaked about this ep! I heard Matt and Shana are gonna SHAG! I don’t know if I can hang!

01.23.2000
01.23.2000
D

admin

4-11
Recap

Forget Me Not

Forget Me Not - Aw, shucks! It's obvious Shana doesn't have very high standards, or much dating experience.

12.12.1999
12.12.1999
D

admin

4-10
Recap

Who Nose

Who Nose - I hope you watched this episode with your entire family. I didn't, and now I regret it because it would have been a good chance to teach my kids how to "huff."

11.28.1999
11.28.1999
D

admin

4-9
Recap

Dirty Laundry

Dirty Laundry - RevCam doesn't give his usual little welcome before the episode begins. He's in his office, actually. It looks like he just needed a break from his family, or else he's busy surfing some porn on his laptop.

11.21.1999
11.21.1999
D

admin

4-8
Recap

...And Expiation (2)

…And Expiation (2) - Apparently, Mary's act of vandalism is threatening to shatter the Camdens' belief in each other. I'm telling you, guys -- I'm a little frightened.

11.14.1999
11.14.1999

admin

4-7
Recap

Sin... (1)

Sin… (1) - We're subjected to repeated belching and armpit-farting, treated in a way that makes you think the guys have just discovered both activities fifteen minutes ago.

11.07.1999
11.07.1999

admin

4-6
Recap

Just You Wait And See

Just You Wait And See - At first I think that all of Mr. Stupidhead's exhortations for Ruthie to shut up have somehow robbed her of her natural speaking voice, because she's meowing.

10.24.1999
10.24.1999
D

admin

4-5
Recap

With Honors

With Honors - Liars, cheaters, walkie-talkies, and stoner fathers. Someone just shoot me now.

10.17.1999
10.17.1999
D

admin

4-4
Recap

The Electric Van-Aid Acid Test

Come Drive With Me - RevCam needs a raise from the church to pay for the Camdens' new electric van. Ruthie gets it for him with her moppety goodness. The rest of the Camdens get themselves involved in boring, time-filling subplots.

10.10.1999
10.14.1999
C-

admin

4-3
Recap

Yak Sada (a.k.a. One Voice)

Yak Sada (a.k.a. One Voice) - Male dominance, Simon cooking, and Ruthie playing football -- all in this complete breakfast!

10.03.1999
10.03.1999

admin

4-2
Recap

Life Is Too Beautiful

Life Is Too Beautiful - Lucy figures out what she is going to do for the rest of her life. Ruthie gives annoying commentary. Mr. Stupidhead takes a bath with a plugged-in toaster.

09.26.1999
09.26.1999
D

admin

4-1
Recap

The Tattle Tale Heart

The Tattle Tale Heart - SuperMom tries to convince him to fix up the garage and live there, but Matt is not having it. He tells SuperMom to talk to the hand, and shakes his booty outta there in quite a hurry.

09.19.1999
09.19.1999
D

admin

3-13
Recap

Racism With a Side of Spying

The Tribes That Bind - While Lucy's away at Camp Silent Treatment, the rest of the CamKids interact with two families that are infinitely cooler than their own. RevCam's female parishioners use Annie's involuntary baby shower to snoop around the house. And since no episode would be complete without Brenda Hampton's Special Lesson, RevCam fights a racist restaurant in the counterproductive and annoying way that only he can.

01.24.1999
01.28.1999
B

admin

3-10
Recap

Jingle Hell

Here Comes Santa Claus - The Camdens celebrate Christmas by whining, wearing revealing clothes, whining, inviting homeless strangers to spend the night, whining, putting Christmas lights up inside the house, whining, and giving each other crappy second-hand gifts. Oh, and whining.

12.13.1998
12.17.1998
F

admin

3-9
Recap

Let's Not, and Say We Did

Let's Talk About Sex - What happens when 7th Heaven appropriates the title of a Salt-n-Pepa song and uses it for its own evil purposes? More of the same, actually: RevCam helps people, Simon tries to babysit Ruthie, Lucy wants to have sex with her lame boyfriend, Mary breaks the rules, Annie makes friends, and Matt runs around saving his sisters' precious, precious virtue. Spinderella does not appear in this episode.

11.22.1998
11.26.1998
D+

admin

3-8
Recap

Here They Come, Walking Down The Street

No Sex, Some Drugs, And A Little Rock And Roll - Hey, hey, they're RevCam's old high school band, and one of their members used to be on The Monkees. How the mighty have fallen. Mary's friend falls, too, into basketball's dangerous underworld of ephedrine "addiction." And Sara falls asleep while trying to recap this garbage.

11.15.1998
11.19.1998
A+

admin

2-20
Recap

Monkey Sex And Strumpets

Like A Harlot - Everyone's promiscuous in this episode: the monkeys that Simon watches get it on, Matt's prom date, Simon's little friends who score hot dates with his dumb sisters, and Snappy the Stegosaurus, who will kiss anyone's ass.

04.26.1998
04.30.1998
C-

admin

2-18
Recap

Le joke est morte; vive le joke

My Kinda Guy - Xenophobia, the evils of smoking, scary R-rated CamRent shenanigans, and the fallacy that Matt has a life all get plenty of play in this second-season episode.

04.05.1998
04.09.1998
C

admin

2-13
Recap

Cutting a rug

Stuck In The Middle With You - In this second-season classic, Annie's dad shows up sporting a bad toupee and an even worse attitude; Lucy keeps two subhuman boys hanging while she tries to choose between them; Matt spies creepily; Ruthie subplotzes annoyingly; RevCam poisons a handful of marriages at his counseling session.

01.25.1998
01.25.1998
D

admin

2-7
Recap

The Gang's All Here

Girls Just Want To Have Fun - Everyone gets involved in this Season Two classic! The CamRents call upon themselves to save Simon's slumber party buddy from his sister's gangbanging ways, whether the girl's real parents want them to or not. Other, lamer subplots explore Lucy's need to express herself as a person with no sense of fashion, Matt's role as the domineering do-gooder older brother, Ruthie's annoyingness, and Mary's inability to play even the most basic of children's games. Not too much has changed between then and now, really.

11.02.1997
11.06.1997
B-

admin

1-17
Recap

Choices

Choices - RevCam's former associate pastor comes to town with a secret, and the CamRents do a half-assed job of trying to ferret it out. Speaking of ferrets, Simon and Ruthie buy some. Felicity's Keri Russell convinces Mary to sneak out to a frat party. Dopey becomes more repugnant.

04.13.1997
04.17.1997
C

admin

1-14
Recap

Seven Is Enough

Seven Is Enough - RevCam's parents eat the Camdens' food, stay in their house, and mock the hell out of the family. They even dispose of the annoying homeless boy. They're the best characters ever!

02.02.1997
02.06.1997
B+

admin

1-3
Recap

In The Blink Of An Eye

In The Blink Of An Eye - RevCam and Mary do their best to scare away Lucy's date with their folk-singing duet. Dopey's charity work is not what one would call successful. Annie and her parents celebrate Airport Appreciation Week.

09.29.1996
10.03.1996
D+

admin

1-2
Recap

Family Secrets

Family Secrets - Mary gets a boyfriend, while Lucy looks for one. Simon tries to hide Happy's shoe-chewing habit from the CamRents. Annie prepares Dopey for Grandma's imminent demise.

09.22.1996
09.26.1996
B

admin

1-1
Recap

Anything You Want (Pilot)

Anything You Want (Pilot) - And what do they all want? Simon wants a dog. He makes sure we know that by telling us so at least three thousand times. Lucy wants to get her period. RevCam wants Dopey to cut his hair. And Mary wants Dopey to teach her how to kiss. Cate just wants to know how a show that started off so well in its pilot episode has gone so far downhill.

08.25.1996
08.29.1996
A

admin

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